UnNews:Winehouse's poor health in jeopardy

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Winehouse's poor health in jeopardy

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

UnNews Logo Potato
Sunday, March 18, 2018, 04:52:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

23 June 2008


Since giving up Crack Cocaine and Cigarette's Amy Winehouse's coat is shiny and more manageable. All traces of her mange have disappeared.

LONDON, UK– UNN -- Soul Diva Amy Winehouse has been warned by doctors that her declining smoking and drug habit are threatening her career.

Winehouse, who has been cutting back on cigarettes has “not only ruined the husky tonal qualities of her voice, but her refusal to restart her crack cocaine habit is lengthening her projected life span. Together, these two healthy life style choices cutting into her career as a dead entertainment icon on par with Billie Holiday and Jim Morrison,” according to her manager and father Mitch Winehouse.

“Obviously we're concerned,” said the singer's father. “Ever since she was a young girl her dream has been to live fast, die young and leave a music catalog that would endure far beyond the life span of a normal functioning artist.”

"People don't find it tragic when an entertainer lives to be eighty or ninety do they?"

For her part, the artist has expressed her apprehension to returning to her four pack a day habit. “You know, you get up in the morning and this brown lung buttery stuff starts coming up and its a major drag. Now I wake up and everyday is filled with possibility and hope.”

When asked about her crack habit, Winehouse is even more certain that a return to the old days of the rock and the pipe are behind her. “Its just so harsh. And you deal with people who have lost sight of their humanity. Would you like to have a bite of my yogurt and flax seed Power Bar?”

Amy Winehouse exploded onto the London music scene in 2003 with the release of her debut CD entitled “Skank”. Her atonal wailing, combined with lyrics which Rolling Stone magazine called “a self masturbatory exercise in music was an immediate hit.

Winehouse followed up Skank with her second album, the immensely popular “What the Fuck Are You Looking At?” in 2007.

Winehouse's sense of style has made her signature rats nest bee hive wigs a staple of British fashion. Queen Elizabeth is thought to be debuting the style when she next addresses Parliament.

“I hope and pray,” said Mitch Winestock, “that we can work this out with Amy. Her Mum and I are planning a retirement in Majorca and her good health could just ruin it for everyone.”

edit Sources

Personal tools