UnNews:Windows XP becomes suddenly useless
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Windows XP becomes suddenly useless
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, June 28, 2017, 00:28:UTC)(
8 April 2014
REDMOND, Washington -- Microsoft has ended support for the popular Windows XP operating system, raising the risk that millions of PCs will suddenly stop working and some may spontaneously burst into flames.
Spokesmen here stated on Tuesday that Microsoft will stop downloading updates to let it nag users, delete their files, and do favors for the NSA — ensuring that hackers will try the same stunts. Security consultant Patrick Thomas said XP "now has a big neon bull's-eye on it." This means that, as fewer people use XP, hackers will somehow see it as a better target.
Microsoft advises everyone to run out and buy Windows 8, a combination operating system and cartoon controlled by gestures such as "Twerking." Engineers here keep working on remote control of other people's computers, which marketeers hope to use to build a world where no one can view anything useful without watching a TV commercial first. As Windows 8 will bring most older computers to their knees, users should also buy brand new ones — and it wouldn't hurt to sell the house too.
Experts say that XP, while working fine, is now unfashionable and thus irresistible to hackers. The conversion reflects the engineering maxim, "If it ain't broke — find another way to sell something different," which was also the basis of Obama-care. Marcin Kleczynski, CEO of Malwarebytes, says that without new patches, XP PCs will be at sudden, new risk, compared to the old risk after they got 12 years of patches, and even though Windows 8 has had dozens of patches too, plus one complete re-issue.
Bank ATMs especially use XP, as banks inexplicably want proven software that works well. XP's sudden un-coolness means that banks are now at risk, mostly from slip-and-fall lawyers, and will likewise rush to replace their gear with unproven stuff for the sake of being "pro-active," lest ATMs incessantly spit out twenties.
The world has seen nothing similar since the Y2K crisis, when all business software had to be studied or replaced, just in case it was one of the six programs where 1999 failed to roll over to 2000. Even "Cash for Clunkers" in the United States could not equal the current frenzy to replace perfectly good products. Mobilizing the world to replace all PC software and retrain employees could remedy the March employment statistics, which were unexpectedly lower than estimates, something blamed on the harsh winter weather that was taking place while the estimates were being made.