UnNews:Windows Vista recieves highest crash test ratings

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Windows Vista recieves highest crash test ratings

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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Friday, August 18, 2017, 03:27:59 (UTC)

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5 September 2006

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON -- It may not have been what critics, consumers, or Bill Gates had expected. Gates immediately commented, "Windows Vista has had the fewest number of crash reports since DOS. This means that our users are becoming more aware of what is in our products." One of Bill Gates's top programmers, Keijii Canya, said, "I was stunned to see the results, especially since Windows Vista has a bunch of features. Windows 95, 98, 2000, ME, and XP only had 487 features combined, but Vista alone has over 700!"

You could owe the great crash test scores to the brilliant side-impact results. As Bill Gates explains it, "When we design software, our strategy is not just to make it so the user can do more with his computer. We also make it so that the website can do more with the users computer, other people on the website can do more with the user's computer, anyone who knows the user's email or IP address can do more with that user's computer, and even totally unrelated people can do more with the user's computer. For example, if I try to delete something or install some software for my friend who lives in Arkansas from my own computer, I can't, because he uses that foxfire thing and so it won't let me. But if he's using Microsoft Internet Explorer 7.0 Beta 3, I can do that without even leaving my chair. That is why we had better side-impact scores -- because you can do things with our software from any angle without it crashing."

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The new calculator

The frontal-impact scores were also at record bests: Keijii says, "Yeah, when you use other software, it will crash on its own every now and then. But with ours, any possible threat is eliminated. For example, sometimes viruses are found on sites other than Microsoft.com. Therefore, we block all other sites except Microsoft.com! It's so easy, it really is hard to imagine why no one else is able to do it. Later, we heard complaints about viruses being spread through email. So, one of Vista's 700+ features is that it does not allow email. That Billy Gates is genius!" And of course, it's hard to argue with the numbers they have put up.

If those didn't persuade you to pre-order Vista, the rollover tests were incredible, according to MSN's CEO Jack Smith, they were very good. The rollover tests were so good, the New York Times wrote "They were EXTREMELY good." 'Nuff said.

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