UnNews:Wimbledon sponsors regret finalists neither prettier nor uglier
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Wimbledon sponsors regret finalists neither prettier nor uglier
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 1, 2016, 08:34:UTC)(
5 July 2013
London, England – sponsors of the All-England Lawn Tennis Open, commonly referred to as Wimbledon due to its location in London Borough of Merton, were left in a dilemma today after the failure of either regular finalists Maria Sharapova or Serena Williams to be represented on the last day.
Miss Sharapova and Miss Williams represent the polar opposites of the women's tennis world with Maria Sharapova regularly finishing high on lists of the world's most desirable women, while in recent years Miss Williams has shunned the French Open championship in Paris after being mistaken for an escaped gargoyle from Notre Dame cathedral.
Pressed on the meaning of the Serena-factor, Carruthers explained that both Williams sisters had positive sales impact for manufacturers of leg-wax, blindfolds and paper-bags without eye-holes. And that Serena's recent triumphs had seen an unprecedented rise in the sales of totally opaque sun-glasses.
“Marion Bartoli’s just dumpy and plain,” he continued. “She’s nowhere near scrawny enough to sell diet-products to women or fat enough to face-up a Dunkin’ Donuts ad campaign. If she can’t go to the effort of making herself more repellent she’s simply not going to bring in the kind of money Kim Clijsters made. Bartoli may sell a bit of zit cream but one smile from Clijsters and sales of head-sized galvanised buckets went through the roof. One year we screwed over a million bucks from Rupert Murdoch not to show her from the front he was so worried about the number of Sky TV subscriptions that might get cancelled.”
“Look,” he told our reporter. “No one watches women’s tennis for the skill, passion or athleticism. Like everyone else I’m there waiting for a quick up-skirt flash. Particularly late in the third set when the girls have sweated through their panties a bit. That's why there's a court order forbidding me from getting within thirty yards of the ladies' locker-rooms today.”
Surprisingly, former women’s ace, Chris Evert agreed.
“Women’s players try their hardest to distract other players on court and being a bit of a hottie is a huge advantage. Mixed doubles is full of also-ran male players with too much testosterone, they’re a breeze to distract. And, if we’re honest, there’s a lot of rug-munching behind closed doors in the women’s game so they try the same tricks in the ladies’ singles. The only way I ever beat Martina Navratilova was lick my lips and pout a couple times before each service game. She used to get so wet that these days they’d close the roof!”
Reported distraction techniques Evert claims are rife in Women’s tennis include “accidentally” dropping Robinson’s Barley-water over their t-shirts, grunting suggestively, and placing a couple of frozen peas in their sports bras to make it appear they were aroused. Wimbledon officials denied that the now mandatory mutual massage in Ladies Doubles matches was intended to titillate the viewing public.
"The baby oil is necessary to reduce friction, as any sports' masseur can tell you." Carruthers insisted. "And nudity is optional and no longer compulsory."