UnNews:Wimbledon organisers fear tennis hooligan rioting
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Wimbledon organisers fear tennis hooligan rioting
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, March 19, 2018, 05:06:UTC)(
15 January 2007
Wimbledon - ENGLAND - Organisers of the 2007 Wimbledon Tennis Championships thought the worst trouble they would ever have to deal with would be a repeat of the infamous incident when a ballboy suddenly turned feral and bit Martina Navratalova's penis off on live television in 1398. This year something far less innocent and far more menacing is on the horizon, the age old curse of tennis hooliganism.
In an official statement they claim, "These stories may sound sensationalist, but trouble's been brewing under the surface over the years. In 1989 we had our first case of tennis hooliganism when a 62 year old woman got her head kicked in by a mother of three because she got the last strawberries and cream. Ever since this once glorious and honourable sporting occaision is about which snobbish middle class muffsniffler who's had too much Pimms and caviar can beat the shit out of fans of rival tennis players."
In 1993 the first seriously organised firm came into being when Tim Henman burst onto the scene with a loyal following of hard-as-nails menopausal 50 year-old aunties who were somewhat imbalanced due to hormone treatment. The so-called Henmaniacs have ever since terrorised tennis tournaments across Wimbledon with their fearsome yearly shrill cry of, "Come orn Tiger Timothy!"
In his first round match that year against some no-mark Irishman whose name no-one remembers, (he's probably called Paddy - Ed) the trouble first flared up. When the umpire judged a ball Tim that hit out of the centre court into the next postcode to be out, the Henmaniacs invaded the pitch trying to get the match abandoned in protest. When the referee refused to bow down to these jibbering randy goats, he was attacked by crazed Hemaniacs with Molotov Cocktails made with empty bottles of Pimms strewn across the All English Tennis Club site.
Chief of Operation Sweaty Jockstrap Larry McLardner told assembled badgers dressed in garish top hats and frilly dresses at a press conference, "The day that useless cunt Henman came on the scene the sport was doomed in this country. He just seems to bring the worst out of what are normally perfectly respectable middle aged women. He really has a lot to answer for."
Henman denies inciting the crowd, however during one game against David Nalbandian he was clearly recording shouting to the crowd, "Kick that cunting island-stealing dirty greasy Argie-bargie bastard's head in!" when he was clearly being outplayed by a better tennis player. Despite this home advantage, Henman has failed to even win the raffle at Wimbledon.
It is also thought that Henman was responsible for ordering the lynching of television anchorwoman Sue Barker live on BBC1 in 2003 after she dared suggest, "Well, y'know, we've got to face facts and Henman really is a steaming pile of ferret poop. Oh fuck the platitudes, he's just simply cunting awful smarmy middle-class fuck. I hope he burns in hell with his racquet forcibly and painfully shoved up his rectum." At this point an estimated 10,000 Henmaniacs charged across Henman Hill and tore the former Wimbledon starlette head to toe into little ribbons.
This year could be Henman's last, and the HRT-addled masses will want to make sure he finally wins this ultimately pointless sporting contest, just to prove a point to people with commonsense who said he was just too shit to win it.
UnNews got an exclusive interview with a ringleader of the "firm", Janice Cuntington-Smythe, a 56 year-old librarian from Thame, Oxfordshire. She gives us tantalising hints as to what exciting public disorder her firm will be serving up (what a delightful backhand sliced lob of a pun eh? - Ed) this summer.
"We want a show down with these supposedly "neutral" Swiss cunts just to show who's best. They keep crowing about Roger the Cabin boy winning all these pissy tennis matches (like who cares about that), but when are they going to have some likely lads round for a toe-to-toe on Henman Hill. If they want a good clean honest HRT addled aunt to HRT addled aunt fight with nothing but our fists, handbags and high heels they'd better make themselves known or we'll come out with the full arsenal of bottles of perfume and wine, benches, picnic hampers, bicycle baskets, stanley knives, ratchets, knuckledusters, bricks, pop bottles full of exploding piss, burning mopeds and so on and we'll see who's the top firm."
After being sedated and finally stopping foaming at the mouth, she concluded, "May the best gran win."
And as the Kaiser Chiefs said, "I predict a riot"
- Li Ying Git "Tennis hooligans disgrace the sport again, why can't they be more like football fans?". Daily Mail, January 15, 2006