UnNews:William the Conqueror sets up the Domesday Inquiry
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William the Conqueror sets up the Domesday Inquiry
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 7, 2015, 15:53:UTC)(
25 October 2012
LONDON, Ye Olde Englande -- William the Conqueror has ordered a new inquiry to investigate why the Domesday Book missed a series of sex crimes committed by celebrity jester Jimmy Serfvile. Speaking at the opening of his brand new castle in London, the Conqueror explained how the Domesday Book missed the blatant abuse going on under its nose.
"This was a classic example of investigators misunderstanding what the Anglo-Saxons were doing when their backs were turned. The Domesday Book - which I originally set up as a tax audit and a counting sheep survey of my new acquisition - apparently employed Serfvile to travel the country, promoting charity fun running events for leper hospitals. Now I have set up the Domesday Inquiry to find out what went wrong and why he was allowed to mix with mad people."
The Conqueror said the Domesday Inquiry had license to trawl all through the relevant parchments to see how far Serfvile and his friends were protected by friends like Sir Knowing Winker, Snotburga Panderer and Gary Gutter. The crimes apparently dates back as far as Harold the Treacherous, Backstabbing Usurper who was in charge of England in 1066. In particular, Serfvile's stage act Jim'll Fix It For You To Come Back to His Caravan will be looked into.
Criticism was also levelled at the British Bayeux Tapestry Corporation for their failure to illustrate examples of Serfvile up to his antics. The head of the BBTC, Bishop Patently Odious, admitted they had known about some of the rumours but had consigned some of this information to the embroidered margins. Though there had been an investigation, the BBTC had gone ahead with a Jimmy Serfvile Stitching Special (since burnt). Odious said it was a catastrophe that anyone had learnt the truth and blamed the weavers. He has also since promised to make a pilgrimage to Rome on his hands and knees if that would do any good.
The English press have been divided about where to muck rake next. The Norman French Guardian welcomed the Domesday Inquiry but the Anglo-Saxon Sun said heads at the BBTC needed to roll a very long way. A free axe would be included in their special Spot-a-Pervert-Guide in their extra large weekend edition, along with a year's free supply of cow dung.
- Staff "British Bayeux Tapestry Corporation under siege over sex scandal". Daily Telegraph, October 25, 2012