UnNews:William Wallace Wins Glasgow East
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William Wallace Wins Glasgow East
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 30, 2017, 20:30:UTC)(
25 July 2008
GLASGOW, Scotland. Reports are stuffing their way through the UnNews letterbox that Scottish Nazi Party candidate William Wallace has "slaughtered" the incumbent Labour candidate Margaret Currant-Bun in the Glasgow East constituency after a "bloody by-election" dubbed the "Battle of Tollcross Leisure Centre". Winner Wallace roared with hairy celtic pleasure when the result was announced and celebrated by drinking a quart of whisky and lifting his kilt to expose his jubilant Caledonian particulars to a mostly-astounded press gallery. "I cannae believe we won!" shouted Wallace into a visibly-wilting BBC news microphone on the steps of the Leisure Centre following his victory "This is one in his remaining eye for King Broon of London!". SNP Leader Alex Salmond has congratulated Wallace as a "great patriot" and announced that he plans to celebrate by trimming his eyebrows.
The defeat is seen as a terrible blow for Labour who campaigned aggressively against Wallace, at one point even giving free bags of heroin to constituents in a desperate attempt to woo Glasgow voters.
Defeated Labour candidate Currant-Bun was unavailable for comment as she was quickly bundled into a black Zil limousine by Brown-uniformed "Labour stewards" and has been unseen since. Gordon Brown has remained prudently-lipped and refused to comment on the loss of the previously-safe seat which has been held by Labour since 1658 but an insider tells us he was "crying like a baby" and "throwing things at Alistair Darling".