UnNews:Wile E. Coyote still in critical condition after anvil falls on his head
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Wile E. Coyote still in critical condition after anvil falls on his head
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, December 10, 2016, 01:33:UTC)(
20 November 2009
The Gobi Desert, Arizona -- On October 39th, popular cartoon character Wile. E Coyote was seen leaving his cave, carrying nothing more than a small backpack, a towel, and an ACME exploding dildo. He assured puzzled friends that it was just another routine roadrunner expedition and he would be back in time for the game. "It was just a typical day for Wile E," recalls one observer.
His body was found later that day, along with parts of his mind.
Investigators have, after some difficulty, located the crime scene; however, they have yet to discover who owned the anvil or what direction it came from. CIA agents have been sent into the desert to find evidence, but their efforts have been, so far, fruitless. We can only speculate on what happened and why. Some claim it was not an accident. A lone witness reports his version.
"He had an anvil hangin' by a rope over a cliff," he claims. "He was hopin' to catch the road-runner, see, tryin' to squash 'im with the anvil. But it didn't work. And <sobs> you know Wile E, always checkin' to see what's wrong. He ... <sobs> ... he poked it with a stick, the dang fool!... <sobs> ... a-a-and it came down on his head!" <At this point, the witness started masturbating.>
The roadrunner is denying all charges. When questioned about his own connections to ACME, he replied "beebeep." When later approached with a search warrant, he cried "beebeep!" and whispered "beebeep!" before running away at Mach 5. Police are now in hot pursuit, but have so far been unsuccessful.
When Wile E. was found, he lay at the base of a cliff, surrounded by a growing pool of his own blood. With his skull fractured in over a dozen places, some doctors suggest that amputation may be his only chance. Unfortunately, insurance companies are refusing to cover the operation because he is allergic to triangles.
Many adult fans who used to watch Looney Toons are in outraged protest at both the insurance companies and ACME, who just recieved yet another grant from the US military, giving them an near-infinite supply of toy weaponry. Wile E. fans are threatening to sue if this new grant is not suspended. "If ACME continues giving out free explosives," argues one protester, "people might get hurt."
Of course, this would be just another lawsuit for ACME, who has been plagued by court cases since its founding in 1943.5. As a result, the company has some of the best lawyers on the planet. Defeating them in court will not be easy, especially in Arizona, but cartoon's rights advocates are determined to overcome all odds to give Wile E. Coyote the compensation he deserves.
America is starting to take notice. Whether it be men fighting the insurance companies or teenage girls writing get-well-soon letters, a growing coalition of supporters continue to show inspiring acts of loyalty in honor of Wile E. Coyote.
Children invariably find the whole matter hilarious. "HAHAHAHA! HE GOT ASPLODED!" laughs one little girl.
It is clear that this tragedy has brought all Americans together in prayer. Currently Wile E. Coyote is in the National Emergency Hospital, where oh shit, he just died.