UnNews:Wikipedians jump to their deaths in protest of SOPA

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18 January 2012

Hopscotch

Enraged and likely confused by the details of SOPA, thousands of Wikipedians have reverted to suicide to avoid an even worse future.

VARIOUS CITIES - In an effort to protest the imminent passage of the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA), thousands of Wikipedians have organized atop tall buildings to commit suicide for their cause.

The bill would effectively hold responsible online communities--rather than individual user--for illegal actions committed by individual users. Clearly, this spells death to the numerous legitimate Wikipedians who otherwise have no lives.

"Our lives pretty much already constituted the means of a suicidally-depressive environment," explained Wikipedia administrator Richard Bennington, soon before his jump. "As soon as we heard of SOPA, all that was left was to decide when and where." For most of the protestors, the "where" was the closest local building taller than two stories high. With nearly impeccable timing, at exactly 8:00 am EST, normal citizens watched in awe the sight of hundreds of Internet low-lives plummet to their demise several dozen feet below.

"It was almost as big a mess as the site they used to run," claims Dan Patten, a New York City street cleaner. Patten admits that he "can't blame them though. At least I get paid to do the shit no one else wants to do."

Howtosuicide-building

This image was posted to assist the 65% of Wikipedians who are legally illiterate.

For most people, this means a very new Wikipedia--one free from the instant vandalism reversions by which it has so long been plagued. Leading experts say this lack of admin intervention will "increase the site's factuality by 1000% [sic] in the first week alone."

With all of the excitement nearly over--though still awaiting the jumps of Wikipedians too stupid to distinguish between "am" and "pm"--Congress is expected to proceed as scheduled. SOPA will likely be passed before the night's end.

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