|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
22 April 2007
CAPE CITY, Africa -- In a shocking move of fiery machismo, Wikipedia founder and Machiavellian internet celebrity Jimmy "Cold Stuntin'" Wales issued a challenge that could put two of the web's most powerful hubs on opposite sides of a war. To quote Wales himself: "Tom thinks he's [the] Titanic? Well call me the iceberg muthafucka!"
During an interview in Cape City, the 58th stop on his Digital Freedom Tour 2008, Wales flew into an expletive-ridden attack aimed squarely at the social networking website Myspace. The tirade, which lasted nearly ten minutes, contained personal challenges to the site's founder Tom Anderson, CEO Rupert Murdoch, and the site's entire programming staff. Reporter Darrin Gilcrest of The South African Technology Review Bi-Monthly who was interviewing Wales at the time claims "It was the scariest ten minutes of my career."
Gilcrest continues: "He was already on edge during the first couple of questions, and I did notice a half-empty bottle of Jim Beam on the dresser in his room. The second I asked him how many people were on his friends list, he stood up, downed the other half of the Beam, and proceeded to tear the room apart, all the while screaming like a wild man. Some of the terminology was so vulgar I had to look it up on Urban Dictionary."
Hotel staff notified local authorities who were baffled by the mere presence of Wales on the African continent. Daquan Subali, Cape City Chief of Police, claims that neither his department, the American embassy, nor even Wales' hotel was notified about his tour, which embodies a 500-person entourage and 17-person culinary staff. Subali furiously states that "our department has contacted 25 of the previous 57 locations: no one knows what the hell a 'digital freedom tour' is! We have no idea why he has come here except, apparently, to drink his face off!" Wales was promptly removed by Comfort Inn security and, when threatened with arrest and extradition, fled to Stockholm (tour date #59). The enraged, still intoxicated Wales went on to edit Wikipedia's main page from his laptop while en route to Sweden, echoing his earlier (often incoherent) Myspace condemnation.
According to UnNews' source within The Myspace Corporation (who wish to remain anonymous in fear of Wikipedian gang violence), Tom is ready for battle. "[He] just downed his eighth shot of tequila, and is currently working on beer number fourteen. The man's already a heavy drinker, but he's really going above and beyond for this one. Jimbo might be in a bit of trouble." An equally violent defamation is planned for sometime this afternoon.
More as this story develops.
- Arendse, Ilse "Wales predicts Myspace failure, enjoys being pompous prick". The African Technology Review Bi-Monthly, April 20th, 2007