UnNews:Wikipedia Re-Labelled “Pornopedia” By Conservatives
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Wikipedia Re-Labelled “Pornopedia” By Conservatives
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, October 25, 2016, 12:09:UTC)(
7 May 2008
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THE INTERNET, Everywhere. The lid was sucked off Wikipedia’s evil liberal sex scandal today when one of our leading Thought-Police members, Sally Kern, "stumbled across" an article on “strip-teasing”:
“At first I found the article to be very informative and illuminating” she explained “but then I read what disgusting disinformation was on display!” then collecting herself "Of course the images, too, were revolting and ungodly". She was not pleased and now believes wikipedia's reputation for information to be spoiled and its children "cursed with boils!"
Word has spread fast about the ungodly onanaism fest that Wikipedia is encouraging. Master Ted Haggard also reported to having found several articles alluding to the proper method of "rimming" that also included video footage which he has, rightly, denounced as being “nothing like what he experienced”. As ever President Bush has shown a diligent interest in the issue and sent us the Conservapedia article on pornography to explain exactly what is and is not acceptable.
Jerry Falwell's wife however has stood up in defence of Wikipedia insisting that, if nothing else, Wikipedia’s article on necrophilia has helped her “through the most difficult time of [her] life!” UnNews is looking into this affair in some depth to try and discern wither or not this counts as sex out of wedlock, and wither or not this condemns Mr and Mrs Falwell to eternal hellfire (we are now reasonably certain that it does).
On a minute by minute basis UnNews has had fresh reports of various other sins celebrated by Wikipedia, including: Recordings of women experiencing orgasms (so men can tell if they are faking); videos of nude men participating in “educational ejaculation demonstrations" (not shown is when they go blind soon after); a man ejaculating on a woman's neck (clearly his aim was off; he missed her mouth); large-scale photos of men performing oral sex on one another (and performing oral sex on themselves) and even Wikipedia’s very own Karma Sutra!
We interviewed Wikipedia representative Mark Pelligrini (whom we expected to be at least a little ashamed of himself) to see if he had anything Christian to say, however the liberal came across as nakedly unconcerned and positivly satanic when he said: “Children are often able to bypass filtering devices and view hard-core, vile pornography: we simply thought we’d make it easier and more educational for them.” We then asked him in what possible way could pornography have any positive educational value, at this he removed his pants and underwear exposing his textbook length penis and assumed a masturbatory pose. "Well," he started, nonchalantly stroking his erection "as it happens, ejaculation out of wedlock doesn't make you blind" However he has not been seen since we fled the scene so unfortunatly we now suspect that masturbation may make other people blind.
Barbara, a constitutional law attorney who serves as a concerned woman for America's cultural issues, said that “If America doesn’t have laws banning pornography – we’ll make ‘em!” and then when she realised she was being recorded said, in a calmer tone: “what I mean to say is; if Wikipedia is going to splatter pornographic material all over it’s site it should be re-labelled Pornopedia and come with an age restriction notice.”
When we asked our thirteen-year-old paper boy what he thought of the news he replied: “You only just discovered this? Dad showed me that ages ago. But I like the idea for the new name!”