UnNews:Wife asks court to declare her husband dead
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Wife asks court to declare her husband dead
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, January 21, 2017, 09:03:UTC)(
5 December 2007
CHICAGO, Illinois - “Mad” Mattie Magillicuddy petitioned a local court, asking that her husband, Abner, be declared “legally dead.” Since he turned 65, she says, “he’s about as lively as a corpse, even with his Viagra, and I’m not into necrophilia.”
Abner countered her claim by declaring, “There’s a lot of life left in me yet, as long as Medicare keeps paying for my sildenafil citrate, vardenafil, or tadalafil.” Theses are the active ingredients, so to speak, in Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis, respectively, which are drugs that are commonly used to treat erectile dysfunction. “That stuff keeps me up and running for as many as four hours. I'm like a satyr!"
“Yeah, and without it, he’s about as virile as a wet noodle,” Mattie told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “There was more life in my first husband Oscar when the rigor mortis set in.”
While marriage isn’t all about sex, she admits, Mattie is frank about what she lacks. “Flannery O’Connor said ‘a good man is hard to find,’ but, let me tell you, a hard man is good to find. All I want is a little man in my man.”
She got the idea of petitioning the court to declare her husband dead, she says, when she saw an Unnews article concerning a similar request by the “wannabe widow” of millionaire adventurer Steve Fossett, who vanished while flying his airplane over--and perhaps into--rugged Western terrain in September 2007.
“She’s after his money,” Mattie contends, “but I ain’t. Abner ain’t got no money, any more than he has any libido. I just want to be able to marry another man, a man who still has his family jewels.”
If the court decides to hear Mattie’s petition, it could declare Abner dead or it could declare him only to be “missing in action.” If the court takes the latter action, Mattie will not be able to marry anyone else unless she divorces him first. However, if the court declares Abner to be legally dead, she is free to remarry without the delay and inconvenience of undertaking divorce proceedings against him.
“His manhood’s dead, for sure,” Mattie argues in her brief, “and that renders the rest of him dead, too, as far as I’m concerned.”
Abner has vowed to initiate a counter suit, perhaps on the grounds of mental cruelty. “I’m still ready, willing, and able,” he says, “and, with a little help from the fine folks at Pfizer, I’m fully capable of carrying out my matrimonial duties as Mattie’s husband.”
“That stuff might breed new life into cadavers,” Mattie agreed, “but, like I say, I ain’t no necrophiliac.”