UnNews:Why the Chinese are buying record quantities of Lead

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 05:14, September 17, 2012 by Zombiebaron (talk | contribs)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search
This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Straight talk, from straight faces

3 February 2012

Lead-tipped

The Chinese government rarely benefits by telegraphing its munitions strategies, preferring the Internet instead

HONG KONG -- This month the Hong Kong Lead Exchange reported that China imported 1,102,779 kilograms of Lead in November, an increase from October’s 860,299 kilograms. Analysts believe that China, ever wary of its potentially worthless 1.2 trillion US dollar bond holdings, is dumping the bonds and buying as much lead as it can get.

Previously China purchased 900 tons of Lead in 2010, double the estimated 445 tons purchased by China in 2009. “The thing that’s caught people’s minds is the massive increase in Chinese buying,” remarked Edgar Allen Pope III of Sharp Stick, a London Lead brokerage, this month. According to officials who are funneling disinformation to UnNews, it is much cheaper for China to legally manufacture lead bullets than to buy them under-the-table from US Attorney General Eric Holder.

The Red Army Munitions Bureau of China, the premiere Commie bullet control group, has been gloating over its build up of bullets. “No one is safe now,” said the Chinese Defense Ministry’s Won Hung Lo at the end of last month. “The only choice to hedge risks is wear complete bullet-proof body armor, including bullet proof shoes, socks, and goggles, as well as mask and hat, all of which stop bullets.” Analysts naturally jumped on his comment as proof that China, the world’s third largest holder of bullets, is seeking a much bigger position in the ballistic munitions stock-piling game.

Still, there are a few problems with this conclusion.

First, the Chinese government rarely benefits by telegraphing its short-term munitions strategies. Use of the Internet is considered preferable to the antiquated telegraph, even in China. But in either case Chinese officials are openly gloating.

Second, consistently unreliable spies who are embedded in the Red Army Munitions Bureau have also reported that China has much more Lead purchasing power these days than it did on those other days (you know the ones).

Third, this hogwash is being reported by UnNews, which automatically places it all in the history books as a done deal - sheeesh!

But, hey! Who needs spies? We omniscient presstitutes at UnNews are happy to inform you that China’s munitions reserves increased in early 2011 to an output of 20.6 billion bullets per month, which is clearly some kind of development - or other. But it gets better: the Chinese bullet reserves increased to a stunning 992.7 billion bullets in November and December, and with no end in sight.

The globalist-funded Council on Foreign Relations noted that the increased output of Chinese bullet slugs made from Lead would be especially risky for the enemies of China, such as themselves, who are already out-gunned from a bullets point of view.

A confused looking bystander pointed out that Chinese hoarding of Lead only complicates munitions manufacture for the globalist war pigs. This is not to say the globalists can’t buy Lead — they obviously do — but there are real constraints now on their ability to produce more lead tipped bullets than are being manufactured by The Red Army Munitions Bureau.

“If the supply of lead gets too low then we might have to employ alchemy to transform gold into lead!” Pope III pointed out. “Hell, we can already transform air into gold, so it should be pretty easy to transform gold into lead. After all, gold is way more substantial than air.”

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects