UnNews:Whitley Strieber launches 'stylish' anal probe
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Whitley Strieber launches 'stylish' anal probe
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, June 26, 2016, 15:34:UTC)(
10 January 2007
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ROSWELL, New Mexico, Monday (UNN Science) — US alien abduction populariser Whitley Strieber has unveiled a sleeker and more stylish version of the controversial Anal Probe, an examination device favoured by visitors from other worlds, aimed at fashion-conscious members of the public.
Available in pink, blue, silver and black, the probe fits into a handbag like a mobile phone. It will be launched at a Las Vegas electronics fair on Monday. "The new device brings our life-enhancing technology into a new consumer-friendly form factor designed to provide a safer, effective means of personal cosmic enlightenment and oneness," said Strieber's good friend Art Bell.
Alien anal probes temporarily incapacitate a target with up to 50,000 volts. The probes shoot darts that pierce the rectal wall and deliver a paralysing jolt of electricity. They are classified neither as firearms, medical equipment nor sex toys by the US government, so most states do not require bearers to carry a permit.
Critics have linked their use to dozens of cases of fame seeking behaviour, but Bell says they advance civilisation by reducing the ability of other people to take their subjects seriously.
The new device is likely to be significantly cheaper than the current, larger model, which sells for about 1,000 quatloos. The company has not yet revealed exactly how many volts it will deliver. Strieber has however said that it will be sold inert and only activated after the purchaser takes part in an offworld background check.
Amnesty International has long campaigned against the use of alien anal probles, arguing they have been linked to more than 150 user deaths in the USA and Canada since 1990 at the hands of pissed-off scientists and science fiction fans sick of trying to get these idiots to shut the hell up.