UnNews:White shoppers turned away from Black Friday deals
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
White shoppers turned away from Black Friday deals
We distort, you deride
Friday, July 28, 2017, 11:05:UTC)(
24 November 2007
New York, NY -- The day after Thanksgiving in America is often termed "Black Friday" because of the great discounts and shopping deals offered to consumers, but few focus on the hardships suffered by white shoppers on this day. "Black Friday" was initiated in 1969, following the American civil rights movement, as a way to give reparations to African Americans, as well as a way to boost the economic standing and lifestyle of these previously poor citizens.
The annual shopping tradition proved very popular, with discounts on popular major-brand items going as high as 80% off. But these discounts, of course, are for black-skinned consumers only. White shoppers are faced with regular prices, or are even forced to shop in special, segregated stores where prices are even higher than normal. Donna McDonalds, a white woman from Iowa, commented on this sad situation while walking out of a local department store, "It's really unfair. I had to pay $100 for this pair of mittens, while my black neighbor was charged only $20. And I couldn't even get into the electronics store - I got turned away at the door, with a salesperson telling me there was 'no more room for white folk' on the premises." Heartbreaking stories like this could be heard all across America.
Retailers defend their discriminatory practices, saying that they are just following a decades old tradition. One CEO explained, "Just like we expect to see Santa on Christmas, and go on an egg hunt for Easter, people are used to ostracizing whiteys on Black Friday - it's an American custom." Some say the practice violates discrimination laws, but the famous 1989 Supreme Court decision in Cracker vs. Shaft upheld the custom. Pundits claim this was only because Thurgood Marshall, who is black, was still chief justice at the time. The court did, however, declare that it's not necessary to rename the holiday "African American Friday."
Even the current batch of presidential candidates weighted in on the matter, which is a rare issue that unites most Republicans and Democrats. All of the major candidates unanimously agreed that "Black Friday" should be abolished. Senator Barack Obama was initially in favor of upholding the tradition, but when he learned that since he was half-white stores would discriminate against him just as much as against a pure-bred whitey, he switched positions. Republicans immediately pounced and called him a "flip-flopper."
White shoppers can find solace only in the hopes for a "White Christmas." The age-old tradition dictates that if it snows on Christmas, only whites are allowed to receive presents. However, with global warming increasingly affecting the planet, chances of a White Christmas grow slimmer each year. White residents of the southern states are flocking northward to increase their chances of revenge for Black Friday.