UnNews:White House launches campaign to derive health benefits of flatulence
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White House launches campaign to derive health benefits of flatulence
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Wednesday, August 23, 2017, 08:38:UTC)(
20 March 2015
WASHINGTON -- With the recent viral media craze touting the possible health benefits of hydrogen sulfide (commonly derived from a small explosion from between your legs), the Obama administration has launched a campaign to ensure that every American can derive all possible health benefits from this scientific break-through. The campaign, focused on schools, aims to increase the production of this health miracle by altering the production of the compound in school children.
The First Lady, no stranger to manipulation of school lunch menus for political ends, will be the big cheese of the campaign, and all aspects of the campaign must be floated through her.
Said Mrs. Obama, "This is one opportunity that we can't let slip through the cracks. We will do all in our power to ensure lingering health benefits for all Americans."
Details of the campaign have not yet been passed to the public, but the basic concept is to increase the consumption of beans and legumes in the diets of the children in their school lunches, in the hopes that they will pass the health benefits to their entire families. The Administration hopes that, due to the many benefits of hydrogen sulfide, the tykes will also be able to stimulate the air in afternoon classes which are often less productive for teaching than the morning hours.
An Administration spokeswoman stated, "It is our hope that we can make the children more productive in the afternoon so that they can expel those afternoon dol-drums."
Miss Manners has expressed some concern about the program, citing extensive revisions that will have to be made throughout all her publications if the program becomes mainstream.
However, one group in favor of the change is the American Consumption of Legumes Union (ACLU). Composed of bean and legume producers, it has stated on its Website, "This is the best thing that has floated through the halls of the [[White House] in a long time. We stand behind this campaign at all levels. We couldn't be any more behind it than we are."
- Laura Stampler "A Stinky Compound May Protect Against Cell Damage, Study Finds". Time, July 11, 2014