UnNews:White House claims cyberterrorists attacked its e-mail servers

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19 June 2007

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One of the dozens of sophisticated 70s-era PDP computers at the White House that have been infiltrated by Al-Qaeda.

WASHINGTON, DC -- The White House released an internal report today that definitively concluded cyberterrorists have attacked its e-mail servers, deleting millions of e-mails sent and received by high-level staff in the past few years. Congressional investigators have long awaited an explanation from the executive branch as to why emails subpoenaed in connection with various investigations have not been turned over.

Press secretary Tony Snow was apologetic during the afternoon briefing, telling reporters that "President Bush was very eager to release all the e-mails, and its just a terrible coincidence that cyberterrorists have struck our servers." Mr. Snow emphasized that only e-mail systems seemed to have been affected, and that other aspects of the government's networks remained intact. "Karl Rove's accounts have been hit particularly hard," he somberly added, revealing that none of that top aide's messages have survived.

When reporters asked about e-mail accounts at the Republican National Committee, which uses completely different servers than the White House, officials revealed that "sadly, the RNC computers have been infiltrated as well. Those vicious terrorists will stop at nothing to harm our country!" Towards the end of the briefing, however, assistant press secretary Dana Perino came in the room with a stack of papers, telling journalists that they were copies of ex-President Bill Clinton's love letters to Monica Lewinsky, which "miraculously survived the cyber attack."

Members of Congress were dismayed at the findings, but issued a bipartisan statement of support for the White House in light of the terrorist attack. Republican leaders immediately vowed that "this tragedy cannot be allowed to repeat itself," and minority Senators introduced legislation to toughen wiretapping and surveillance laws. President Bush said he will eagerly sign the new laws, saying that "by allowing the FBI to read everyone's personal electronic communication, America can stop the Al-Qaeda cyberterrorists from striking again." Vice President Dick Cheney also played up the fear factor, musing that "this time they just deleted some of my e-mails to Halliburton, but what if next time they delete the latest Paris Hilton related videos from YouTube? America can't take the chance."

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