UnNews:White House announces State of the Union rerun
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White House announces State of the Union rerun
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, February 27, 2017, 06:56:UTC)(
14 January 2007
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WASHINGTON, D.C. -- White House Press Secretary and former-impartial-news-anchor Tony Snow announced that President Bush’s upcoming State of the Union Address will not be taped live. “We’re going to replay the 2002 or 2004 speech this time around,” said Snow while snapping his chewing gum and smirking at CNN’s David Gregory.
At first the announcement drew laughter from the press corps, but then Snow reiterated: “Seriously, we’re done putting these things together. The last public address tanked so fuck you. The speech writers are sick of trying to write material with words under three syllables.”
Snow was unable to pinpoint which year’s State of the Union would be repeated on January 23, but he did point out that the rerun would save taxpayers money. Said Snow: “It takes dozens of highly trained make-up artists to make Laura look warm and maternal for these events; and we are just not going to expend the millions of dollars necessary to dig up a grateful Iraqi to sit next to Lynn Cheney."
Instead, Snow said that money could be spent on paying the American Enterprise Institute to come up with more ideas to cripple nation’s educational and economic future while killing Americans abroad. "Basically we're just focusing on what's important," he concluded before throwing out a sprinkling of racist terminology and whipping out his handheld Pacman game during the Q and A period.