UnNews:White House Press Secretary Perino is "like, really smart, you know?"
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White House Press Secretary Perino is "like, really smart, you know?"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 29, 2015, 10:27:UTC)(
11 December 2007
WASHINGTRON DC - White House officials today released a statement that despite all appearances, the current White House Press Secretary, Dana Perino, was actually "really smart and stuff". This was in response to the widespread media criticism of her recent revelation that she had never even heard of the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Ms Perino, a former cheerleader and underwear model who is well known for finishing all her press briefings with the tagline "...because I'm worth it!", spent today hiding in the girl's bathroom wiping away her mascara. "Why is this missile thing so damn important anyway?", she was quoted as saying, "it happened before Cheers was even on TV - we didn't even have cars or stuff back then".
A spokesman for Ms Perino said the negative coverage of the revelation was unfair, and that Ms Perino had genuinely earned the right to be the official spokesperson for the President after Tony Snow resigned. "She was easily the strongest candidate the President examined. She was amazing in the wet t-shirt competition and she totally nailed the dance-off".
The spokeman went on to say that Ms Perino was far more aligned with the current administration than her predecessor. "Focus groups have told us that what the American people want is a friendly, fun-loving administration. They're tired of stuffiness and boring "know-it-alls". No-one wants to go back to the days of Colin Powell - god what a drag that guy was! Oh and they want us to bomb the crap out of people too."
This was not the first gaffe for Ms Perino; once when asked about constitutional issues she relied that she "would not discuss her personal health matters", and on another occasion she had expressed her belief that the Middle East was "somewhere near North Carolina".
The spokesman went on to say, "some newspapers are calling Dana the 'dumbest person in America'. That's so unfair, she's not even close to being the dumbest person in the White House."