UnNews:What's hot in 2006
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Things are looking good in 2006! Everyone but you is poised to make at least a billion dollars. 2006 will bring us many, many consumer products, items and general foolishness to spend our money on.
With all the crazy shenanigans afoot, it's hard to keep a level head in in today’s topsy-turvey, wild-monkey infested media market. That having been said, here's a rundown of what you should spend your hard earned cash on this year.
edit Toys for Boys, Pearls for Girls?
Many previous years, such as last year, saw blatant sexism in the toy markets. Boys were forced to play with items such as guns, apache helicopters, aircraft carriers and everything else the U.S Army was just leaving laying around, while girls were struck with nothing but vibrators. Hundreds of thousands of vibrators. Sexy.
Anyway, this year we expect a bunch of new stuff. Stuff so cool and exciting, it shouldn't even be reported on by a credible news service, because if it was the rampant looting and consumption of brains that would follow would probably result in the destruction of everything, including all the cool stuff people are fighting about.
An all time favorite, G.I. Joe has been revamped for today’s children. Children don't care about G.I. Joe anymore, because children suck these days and have been poorly raised. This year’s new model of G.I. Joe is called "G.I.Joe360" and is basically an x-box 360 with a G.I.Joe glued to it. It's expected to sell rapidly, so you'd better start punching people now as a warm-up for the impending riots.
You might be inclined to believe that this is the hot "boy" toy this year... but you're WRONG, so quit jumping to conclusions! This toy is in fact marketed for girls! That's right. Girls are to play with the G.I.Joe360, because recent marketing trends show that girls everywhere are developing penises.
So what, you ask, is the boy toy then?
That's right: Potatos.
Not Mr. Potato head... no, no, no. Today’s crazy world of terrorism and non-Seinfeld-sitcoms has created a potential shortage for all foodstuffs. Inside of 10 years, unless something is done, 98% of the worlds population will starve to death instantly.
So for this year, the hot item for boys is: Slavery! All male children everywhere will be forced to work a mandatory 60 hours per week, planting and picking crops, unpaid.
It's gonna be a good year for the kiddies!
edit What about the grown-ups?
Electronics are always sexy among the adult population, and this year is no example. This years hot item will be a free chip, implanted into everyones brain, which will control our thoughts and render our free will impotent.
- Warning: This should not be confused with last years gift: "A free chimp implanted into your brain to shoot bananas out of your nose and render your dignity impotent"
Government secrecy is all the rage, so after the chip have been implanted, market experts expect our knowledge of the implantation process to be erased, at which point the government will spawn a giant media campaign endorsing the benefits of having a chip implanted in your head. This will lead to hundreds of millions of people voluntarily having chips implanted into their heads, repeatedly, until such time as the government runs out of chips, or people run out of room in their heads.
Market experts aren't exactly sure why this will be such a hot item to go for this year, but to be fair they were offered free trials of the chips and are now drooling vegetables.
edit Good year, no. Great year, hell yes!
With all the impending pointless riots, slavery, government sanctioned mind control and crappy revamped xbox-G.I.Joe-hybrids, it's hard to see how we could fit anything else into the year. But in fact, other hot items this year include: Earthquakes, Hurricaines, Tsunamies and Tickle-Me-Elmos. That's right, it's last year... BUT NEW!
While it hasn't been confirmed, people are also expecting a global terrorism event the likes of which humanity has never seen, and maybe if we're lucky, a planet destroying war of cataclysmic proportions.
No one can say for sure. But there's one thing we can count on. All of this is going to cost us a lot of money. And that's sexy.