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27 March 2018

ET Hawking

Dead right. The late astrophysicist and YouTube star Stephen Hawking mooning us all.

DONALD J. TRUMP SPACE CENTER, Florida -- After much delay, the late astrophysicist Stephen Hawking was finally launched into space at 9PM EST last night. Supporters of the Americans With Disabilities Act successfully sued in the Supreme Court for this to happen. A spokesperson noted, "Since able-bodied spacesuits in Teslas could be sent into space, provisions must be made to allow the disabled to do the same." As it happened, United Airlines attempted to throw Hawking off the flight but quickly realized that this was not one of their flights.

While several paratransit bus systems offered vehicles, curiously no paratransit driver would volunteer for the task. After much wrangling, an unidentified pilot was allowed to act as atmospheric launch pilot to take Hawking's remains to the point of zero gravity. This was provided that the pilot was home by 10 PM and had his homework finished. The US Army had earlier offered a surplus armored Bradley Fighting Vehicle, but it had been found all had been given to the Iraqi Army or American police and all had already been stolen.

Solar power advocates sued successfully to have Hawking's laptop powered by solar cells. However, it was later found that the iconic talking computer was stolen and sold on eBay. Instead, an old Speak and Spell toy was bolted to Hawking's chair. With a couple of batteries connected, it will be able to drone "One divided by one equals one" for centuries. Meanwhile, tidal power advocates failed in their bid as they had nothing working built to provide power. Wind power advocates were laughed out of every courtroom they entered, but were seen at the launch site with paper fans of all types "just in case".

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.

It was initially intended that Hawking would be launched by rocket. However, a test rocket crashed and time ran out for a replacement to be built. It was determined that a group of New Agers had overloaded the rocket with 5 lbs. (2.27 kg) of orgonites. No blame was placed on the minimum one ton (1.02 metric tons) rock from each of the 50 states, sent along for luck at the insistence of US representatives and senators. Later, 35 refugees were found clinging to the rocket remains by recovery teams.

A spokeperson for the Flat Earth Society warned that Hawking would eventually crash back to Earth, causing incredible destruction by allowing dinosaurs to escape from its reverse side.

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