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2 March 2011
The Church has benefitted from obsequious coverage on Uncyclopedia and from being doted on in the pages of UnNews, and staff in the newsroom (free-speech advocates all) gave a noticeable cheer when the news danced along the chiron at the bottom of an unspecified cable news channel. Some UnNews reporters had taken up a small collection to cover some of the Church's legal fees.
The Church is notorious for staging tasteless political protests in front of funerals and burials, and the Court upheld its right to do so. In the case decided today, Church members turned up at the funeral of soldier Matthew Snyder, who died in Iraq, with their usual picket signs, which said, "The Faggot Had It Coming!" and other equally incisive slogans. UnNews policy prohibits us from disclosing whether Mr. Snyder was gay or whether the Church thinks that he got plugged because someone else is gay. It barely lets us mention that he was a soldier.
Chief Justice John Roberts wrote the opinion for the Court. "As a nation we protect even hurtful speech to ensure that we do not stifle public debate. Besides, the faggot did have it coming."
Justice Steven Breyer, clearly channeling Sandra Day O'Connor, agreed with the verdict but wrote a separate opinion stressing its limited effect. "I feel as though I could rule the other way next week. Yes, I believe I saw something in Zimbabwean case law that I could hang such a ruling on."
Justice Samuel Alito was the only dissenter. His opinion read, in its entirety, "What the fuck?" It was an unusual Court opinion--as there were no footnotes. "No one knew that he believed things like this, when George W. Bush nominated him," said one onlooker. Though, that was the point, wasn't it?
Justice Clarence Thomas joined the majority, clearly moved by another sign from a Church protestor, which read, "Side with Us or the Nigger Gets It!"