UnNews:Westboro Baptist Church to protest at the funeral of Aaron Swartz

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Where man always bites dog

19 January 2013

AaronSwartz

Dead unrepentant sinner Aaron Swartz

Westboro, Kansas -- In a surprise move, the Westboro Baptist Church has announced plans to protest the funeral of internet activist and reddit co-founder Aaron Swartz. Swartz recently committed suicide, or became "an hero", after being indited on several felony charges of internet hacking.

When asked for the reason of the protest, head pastor Fred Phelps is said, "The bible clearly says that stealing is wrong. Hacking is a form of stealing, specifically, a form of trespassing. Since God hates stealing, it follows that God hates cyber thugs."

The protest has drawn some support from more mainstream Christians. Megachurch pastor Rick Warren released a statement, saying that, "It seems like Westburo Baptist Church is becoming more mature be recognizing that there are sins are than homosexuality. Although I disagree with their methods, they seem to moving toward a more balanced theology, rather than focusing exclusively on narrow groups of sinners. I hope one day that can reach that point that they can tell unbelievers that they are going to hell without being a dick about it."

Shirley Phelps-Roper responded by calling Warren a, "Gluttonous crypto-liberal fag-enabler," in reference to Warren's non-confrontational preaching style and morbid obesity. When it was pointed that Warren wasn't criticizing the actions of Westburo Baptist Church, Phelps-Roper was taken aback. "It isn't often that we get praise from anyone," said Phelps-Roper, "Maybe Warren repented of his fag-enabling ways, or maybe we're conforming to the world now. I think we declared that Warren was irredeemably dammed. Maybe we might have to reconsider this protest."

Others Christian theologians had a more mixed view. "I don't think protesting Aaron Swartz's funeral because he was a hacker is wise," said Father Mitch Pacwa, a noted Roman Catholic apologist. "Swartz's suicide is a far greater sin than cyber-hacking. When the bible says, 'thou shall not murder', that includes self-murder, aka suicide. In a way, suicide is worse than regular murder or even abortion, as one is unable to repent of suicide after it is committed. I'm not saying that we should ignore Swart'z sins of cyber-hacking, but, rather to, remember both as an unrepentant thief and a self-murderer."

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects