UnNews:Welsh coal merchant discovers he is son of God

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Welsh coal merchant discovers he is son of God

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20 January 2016

Keith Christ

Holy coal merchant Mr. Christ says he's not interested in God's money - yet the Almightys are still refusing to meet him.

CARMARTHEN, Wales -- A Carmarthenshire coal merchant has found out that he is the illegitimate son of God. The discovery has made the humble Welshman and grandfather an instant celebrity in town, and given his solid-fuels business a well needed stoke.

The father of three, who is now arguably the Holy Step-Son to millions, has lived a back-breaking life delivering sacks of coal while residing in a modest bungalow in Carmarthen, all this time unaware he has been a member of the spiritually divine who live in a stunning and wonderful utopia with gas central heating.

Life could have been totally different for Keith Christ, 68, whose mother had a fling with Our Lord, while on a weekend fishing trip to Llanelli. After Keith's mother fell pregnant, it was clear the chance of an ethereal lifestyle for her and her child was unlikely, and the unborn Keith was put up for adoption.

Mr. Christ said that his suspicions grew after accidentally throwing his dog's ball into the river Loughor in December, although he admits the massive bright star persistently over his yard should have been a hint. Leaning over to fish the ball out, the coal merchant described how he stumbled forward and found himself standing on the surface, completely dry — something he added has not happened there since the passage of the 1951 Rivers Prevention of Pollution Act.

The demi-deity expressed regret that it never occurred to him to try levitating his coal sacks, and instead based his technique on a free HSE “how to lift” poster. Mr. Christ did reach out to members of his “earth” family on Facebook for any more information, and they all agreed that he looked more like Greg Hicks than Diogo Morgado (lol, smiley, etc.).

Despite trying to contact his “other” family through prayer, seances and MSN messenger, the coal merchant feels the holy side are reluctant to engage with him, as they fear he will lay claim to their wealth. But Mr. Christ, who has been suffering from back problems recently, says he has no plans to gets his hands on God's inheritance. He said: “Since I went to the Davies at No. 12 and turned the water in their immersion heater into mulled wine, business has been booming. And now I can deliver my coal just by sending it in a neat line, lump by lump, at about about ten feet above the road. I don't even have to get out of bed.

“I went to my brother’s tomb in Jerusalem the other week," Christ concluded, “it was fantastic but very emotional. I would have loved to meet brother Jesus — we are chalk and cheese you know. So many people know of him, don't they, but I'm a bit of a loner, you see. And certainly not one to draw attention — and definitely not the type to start a campaign with followers or anything daft like that! Never had much interest in healing either, beyond picking up ibuprofen from the pharmacist for my back. I often wonder if Jesus ever thought about solid fuel delivery rather than starting the Christian movement. Healing lepers and being nailed to crosses sounds a bit like hard work to me.”

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