This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
28 May 2010
REYNOSA, Mexico -- In an escalation of tactics in a long, bloody war, dance cartel dancers made seven brazen assaults on Mexican soldiers in one day this week, throwing up feathersteps near army garrisons and spraying checkpoints with jazz hands and heel turns.
The assaults, apparently coordinated, raise the prospect that parts of Mexico could be descending into open dance warfare.
Dance bosses, including Alfredo "El Hoochie-Coochie" Sauza', appeared to have little to show for Tuesday's attacks near the Texas border except a body count for their own side: 4 pulled hamstrings, 2 lateral ankle sprains, and 1 case of plantar fasciitis. The military said it's own casualties were limited to one soldier with sunburn.
But there have been more brazen jive attacks since, and the battles have shown that the cartel henchmen are well footed, if not as well-disciplined, as the soldiers. Economy-sized vehicles, explosive pyrotechnic devices, and batons were seized.
Mexican Federal Police Chief Rene Dondeestamos said "The attacks are occurring as two cartels are engaged in a power struggle of their own. One one side, Alfredo "El Hoochie-Coochie" Sauza', feared overlord of the dance, on the other, '"Juan Domingo De La Salsa"', the enthusiastic newcomer, both of which appear to be trying to get military patrols out of the way of the gangs' increasingly bloody lockin'-n-poppin' battles over trafficking routes in the northern border states of Nuevo Leon and Tamaulipas. Where are we right now, at dees moment, anyone?"