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7 January 2017

Biden peekaboo

The Vice President could not believe the count, even after three tries hoping it would come out differently.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Acting, as usual, two months after the rest of the nation had already figured it out, Congress on Friday certified Donald Trump the next U.S. President.

The House of Representatives met to count electoral votes, even though most Reps cannot count above three. They declared Trump the winner, with 304 votes, and Mike Pence his Vice President, with 305. The two ran on the exact same ticket, but Pence had one fewer elector peel away and cast his vote for Mickey Mouse. "Trumpie, consider yourself pwned!" Pence tweeted from the floor of the House. "Sad, so sad!"

During the vote, various Democrats tried to lodge protests, in sudden realization that the good news of them rising to the political equivalent of the NFL was combined with the bad news of them being drafted by the analog of the 49ers and consigned to do nothing bolder than ask for roll-call votes and rise to points-of-order through 2018.

As the certification proceeded, Democrats in state after state rose to object, citing Russian hacking, airport check-in kiosks, the Koch Brothers, Syrians crossing Obama's red line, the lingering influence of George W. Bush after eight years, and Hillary Clinton's overwhelming unofficial majority in the territory of Puerto Rico, as reasons why the Electoral College vote should not stand. But Joe Biden, who presided over the count, told his fellow Democrats to retreat to their "safe space" and await a "trigger warning," because there was about to be news they would not want to hear. The news was that Jill Biden was about to enter the chamber with the shotgun Joe has her use to "scare away" burglars from their Delaware mansion.

Rep. Sheila Jackson-Lee rose and stated, "I object to the massive voter suppression," including millions of African Americans who could not grasp their racial duty to vote for a shrill 69-year-old white woman. Rep. Jackson-Lee is not the Member who argued that the military should vacate its base in Guam lest the island tip over, but she would have been, if she knew where it was.

The dissidents were stymied by the rule that states that a Senator must join their objection, and that it must be in writing, which prevents them from doing almost everything. Michael Moore berated Senators for their silence. Moore is the notorious Congressman from Twitter, elected before its notorious crackdown on trolling.

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