UnNews:Weezil Greeting Cards: holidays are such a joke!
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Weezil Greeting Cards: holidays are such a joke!
Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Saturday, October 3, 2015, 23:26:UTC)(
14 February 2007
MANASSAS, VA - Not much has happened in this sleepy northern Virginia town in the heart of the Old Dominion’s famous hunt country since the Civil War battle that took place here almost 150 years ago--not much, that is, until Maggie Magpie founded Weezil Greeting Cards, a company whose purpose is to parody, satirize, and otherwise lampoon national and international holidays.
Both secular and religious holidays are fair game, Magpie says. “We don’t discriminate: we’re nasty to everyone and everything.”
One Valentine’s Day card shows a couple, framed in a pink Valentine’s heart, kissing passionately. The caption reads, “Do you know where your husband is?” The alternate version of the same card substitutes “wife” for “husband.” “The implication is that one’s spouse is having an affair,” Magpie says. “It’s one of our best sellers.”
Another Valentine’s Day card shows Cupid’s arrow, deflected off an office water cooler, striking an unintended target--a huge, grotesque man--just as the office sex pot is walking past his desk, dressed in a tight, low-cut blouse and a hip-hugging mini-skirt. “How was your Valentine’s Day?” the caption asks.
A Christmas card parody that sells well, according to Magpie, shows a smiling young woman in a bikini, the top and bottom of which are large silk bows, one red, the other green. The caption? “You have one more gift to unwrap.” The alternate card shows a smiling young man wearing a pair of swimming trunks, half red and half green, and bears the same caption.
Another yuletide card shows a Christmas tree that is nearly buried in an avalanche of gift-wrapped Christmas presents. Its caption reads, “The true meaning of Christmas.”
An Easter card shows an amorous young couple kissing under a doorway above which hangs a sprig of mistletoe. In the background, there are a Christmas tree and all the holiday trimmings. In the caption, “Happy Easter” is written above “Merry Christmas,” which is crossed out, and, in parenthesis, the explanation “We’re recycling paper this year,” appears. “This card is popular among the tree huggers,” Magpie says.
“Our most popular Halloween card,” Magpie says, “shows a surprised man opening his front door to a woman who is standing on his porch, dressed as a prostitute. In the caption, she says to him, ‘Trick or treat?’” Another popular card for this holiday, she says, shows a man in a ghost costume declining the hotdog that a woman in a witch’s costume offers him. The caption reads, “Don’t be a Halloweenie.”
Weezil Greeting Cards plans to launch a line of cards for imaginary holidays as well. “Most men, we’ve learned, don’t know when holidays fall or which days are considered holidays, so we thought we’d throw a few extra holidays into the mix, publicize them, and make sure the guys know that they will annoy their wives or girlfriends if they forget to give them a card on, say, National Nasturtium Day or Merkin Appreciation Day.”
- Lotta Lies "Weezil Greeting Cards: a chance to show your contempt for your loved ones". Instant News, 42 seconds ago