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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 4, 2015, 06:42:UTC)(
June 12, 2009
... And the entire organization is going bankrupt. Back to you, John!
Thanks, Clint. In other news, a dog managed to save the life of his owner by barking very loudly. His owner fell out of the window in their second floor apartment, and the dog started barking. This gained the attention of other neighbors, and they looked out to see what all the commotion was about. They saw Frank, 35, on the ground. They called 911. That's a good doggy, isn't it? Well, he was probably barking at a squirrel or something, but still, he saved his owner's life. Now for the Weather Report with Calvin Johnson.
Hey, thanks, John! For those of you out there who really enjoy weather reports, which I am sure there at least one of you, you're in for a fun time today. I'm loaded up on weird statistics that have these cool little circles next to them. Hey, what are those things called again? Degrees? Right, I have a bunch of degrees for you fans out there. Also, I have a whole bunch of strange science stuff that I don't understand to tell to you people!
So first of here, uh, let's see here... /ruffles through papers... Oh, yes, I got seventy-two degrees for you guys. It says so on the paper, I don't really know what it means but Inland, you guys have seventy-two degrees. That's cool, I guess. And Coast? Coast, you guys have sixty-eight degrees. What do you guys even use degrees for? Oh, I get t now! It's for temperature! I never knew that, guys. Thanks for telling me. So you desert people, you've got Eighty degrees of temperature for you guys. Does anyone know what it will be here? I sure hope it won't be hot.
Ok, people behind the cameras are making back-and-forth motions at their necks. I guess I better switch to something else. Uh, let's see here... oh, yes, I can talk about the pressure. So, er, here is this green wall. There's nothing on it! Hey guys, what am I supposed to do with this green wall? Wait a second, on that little TV there is stuff on the wall! What's up with this? Wait, did you say I'm supposed to look at the little screen and then act like that was on the all? How complicated! What is this thing called anyway? Green screen? Wow, how predictable. Don't you guys have any creativity? Fine, I'll try. Now, look up here in this upper right corner here... /points to left corner... what is that? A warm front? Ok, look at this warm front on the right. Uh, I mean left! Man I don't know! Can someone please tell me what is going on here?
Ok, so uh... what did you say? What's that? Microclimate? What the? Well, everyone, now time for some microclimate weather! I guess it's weather reports for the future. But if they have that, wouldn't I be out my job? Oh, I see. I guess weather can change. But can't we control the weather? humans are smart like that, right? Well, uh, tomorrow I guess it will be sunny. That's what the TV over there says. And then sunny. And then partly cloudy on Tuesday. Say, what is Tuesday anyway? Oh, I guess I'm done now, John is talking again, and the cameras are pointed toward him.
You know what? After these three years, I actually think I'm starting to get this weather stuff. It's really quite fun! So what's for tomorrow, more degrees? Wait, I'm Fired? FIRED!? But I like this job! Don't fire me! I made it past the first grade! I know what I'm doing! Aw, man! Now what am I supposed to do? Oh, I know! I could be a field reporter. Hey, boss! Come back!