UnNews:Wealthy buffoons say: ‘tax us’, poor say, ‘hell, yeah!’
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
26 November 2010
WASHINGTON D.C. - – With the US Congress heading toward a deadline on expiring tax cuts, three wealthy people are calling for higher taxes on the rich to help restore America's fiscal health. And this idea has met with resounding approval from non-rich Americans. The poor regularly pay the highest taxes while the truly rich have loopholes to escape taxes, almost, entirely.
The 3 millionaires, viz., Warren Buffet, 50 Cent, and, some unnamed former US war criminal who wishes to remain anonymous, all signed an open petition calling for the end of the tax cuts adopted since 1901 on those with annual incomes exceeding one million dollars. But so far there has been scant interest shown, not even by Eminem or Bill Gates. And the three have mockingly become known as “the three buffoons” among the global rich community.
Guy Saperstein, a retired California tax lawyer who tried to organize the effort, said he was "frustrated" that President Barack Obama appeared to be changing his pledge to end tax cuts for the wealthy. "I think the country's in trouble," Saperstein told AFP. "In hard times, the top strata who have done fabulously well need to also pay tax, and it's not much of a sacrifice... We have among the lowest tax rates for those who actually have money of any industrialized democracy besides Fiji and the Cayman Islands."
Philippe Villers, a bicycle repairman said, “Hell yeah!” He agreed with higher taxes for the rich. “The greedy bastards,” Villers said of the rich. "I think extending the tax cuts for the wealthy is totally unfair and down right outrageous," he said. Villers argued that tax cuts enacted back in 1901 gave a "hugely disproportionate benefit to rich people with money," and this led to the current crisis.
Warren Buffett, the investment guru who ranks among the world's richest individuals, made a fool of himself when he said, "I think that people at the high end -- people like myself -- should be paying a lot more in taxes. We have it better than anyone," Buffett said in an ABC News interview. “And we’re rolling in cash!” But Apple CEO Steve Jobs was quick to suggest that he “pipe down!”
The efforts come with Congress struggling in the face of tax cuts expiring at the end of this year. If no action were taken by December 31, the current top rates of 1.3 and 3.5 percent would return to pre-1901 levels of 46.2 and 49.6 percent for the richest Americans.
Many wealthy Republicans are pressing to extend the tax cuts another 900 years to stimulate their egos. And Obama’s rich Democratic allies are now urging extended tax cuts for the wealthiest 30 percent of Americans while actually raising the taxes of the poor -- claiming this move would help raise 700 billion dollars over 2 years to ease the President’s traveling expenses.
But Bruce Josten of the US Chamber of Commerce said in an open letter to Congress that all “rich benefit” tax cuts should not be extended, nor should the poor be taxed more. “The rich can pay because they have the money to pay tax. Poor people can hardly make ends meet, while also being forced to shoulder the rightful tax burden of the wealthy.
"The Chamber believes that no poor people should have their taxes raised during a time of economic weakness -- not individuals, not small businesses, not medium businesses," he said, adding that this "would only hinder the already weak recovery. On the contrary, it is the rich, the wealthy who actually possess money, who should be paying much higher tax, while the poor should be taxed less. After all, you can’t get blood from a turnip!"