UnNews:We Really Have Seen It All! - Man Eats Own Head!
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We Really Have Seen It All! - Man Eats Own Head!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 6, 2015, 23:23:UTC)(
2 December 2008
- Q - Just who was it that once asked "Have you ever seen a man eat his own head?" in response to some other guy saying "Well, I guess now I've seen it all?".
- A - It was of course respected wildlife broadcaster/presenter and former Director of BBC 2, Sir David Attenborough!
Well, like it or not folks, I guess we have finally seen it all! Shocking footage from last weeks' addition of "Washed-out Has-beens Come Dancing" confirmed on live television that this once unspeakable act is in fact perfectly possible. Although the police are still busy with their enquiries, an interview with world-famous entertainer and television presenter Bruce Forsyth have confirmed that harsh criticism from the "Washed-out..." judges forced political correspondent John Sergeant to chobble on his own noggin:-
Brucey - "Oh, it was really horrible I can tell you! Blood spraying everywhere, ruining all the other contestants lovely sequined outfits, but it was the low scores that drove him to it. Having said that though, didn't he do well? (audience cheers)"
In response to such a brutal and gory display on prime-time television, the judges were most unimpressed:-
Nameless Judge - I must say that that was the most appalling suicide that I have ever seen! No rhythm, no style, it was just a pointless gesture. Why are you even on this show anyway you fat tub of lard? Are you an ex-member of a failed manufactured pop group? Jesus, you're not even a bloody rugby player! You should see them! One minute it's all rough and tumble in the showers, next its all lycra and military two-steps. If you weren't already dead, I'd kill you my self, you worthless, untalented piece of crap!"
The BBC have not made any comments as yet, but complaints from viewers are flooding in. Despite this and the fact that the BBC have openly admitted to rigging every phone-in that they can get away with, it is likely that Sergeant will still win this series posthumously.
Whilst UnNews has no more information at present, we will be sure to inform you when the coroner confirms John Sergeant's suicide after examining his stomach contents for fragments of his own skull. As always, UnNews's sympathy is with John's family and friends at this difficult time.
- Hannibal Lector "[ Self-cannibalism - A Connoisseur's Guide]". Yum Yum Publishing, December 23, 1997
- Bruce Forsyth "[ Brucey - Miss Worlds I Have Boned]". Creepy Old Man Publishing, June 13, 34BC