We're all gonna die!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 12:52 (UTC)
10 September 2008
UNN HQ, Atlanta On Wednesday, we are officially dead. You are dead too. In case you didn't know, you will die by being sucked into a black hole. It is obvious that some idiot had uploaded Facebook and Myspace at the same time to create a black hole the size of your penis and the End of Time has come. You can either now go to Hell or Heaven since there is no choice for you. Want to know how thngs are going to be different today?
- Everything will remain motionless, except for certain "time spurts", during which things can move. Even then, movement will be limited to "no faster than a cripple without a wheelchair".
- No need to sleep, eat, or go to the toilet.
- All clocks, calendars, sundials, and hourglasses will melt.
- You can go to work at 6:32 PM, leave one minute later, then tell your boss that you showed up early and stayed for your entire post and he won't have a clue.
- You'll be losing The Game for the rest of your life. Dammit!! I lost the game!!
- Pop tart toasting will be illegal. However, heating them up by microwaving them for three seconds won't.
- 90% = 100%
- Windows Vista will be the last version of Windows to be released.
- Duke Nukem Forever will be the last to be released
- Earth will finally be blown to bits
- The Large Hadron Collider, the doomsday device, starts operating.
Well, get over it. You're-(sucked in by a black hole)
- You Are Dead
- End of Time
- UnNews:Mad Scientists Prepare to Activate Doomsday Device
- Sally Baker "We're all Going to Die!". Black Hole, September 08, 2008
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|