UnNews:Water flowed 'recently' in Utah
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
7 December 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
However, Scientologists think these fresh gullies could also have been cut by mercury, as water is far to hospitable a chemical to be found in such a desolate place as the Red State of Utah; they theorize that the seemingly man-made structures were actually built by Xenu 10 billion years ago, when he used the volcanoes and atom bombs to kill innocent thetans prior to the intervention of the Intergalactic Walrus Confederation. Said Tom Cruise, Hollywood's local village idiot and Scientologist, "This crap about humans living in Utah are sickening psychiatrist lies. Mormonism, like psychiatry, is a pseudoscience."P. Simon Beauregard FitzGerald-MacAlpin, an assistant professor of geology at the California Institute of Technology (Caltech) said that while the interpretation of recent water activity and human life in Utah was "compelling," it was just one possible explanation. FitzGerald-MacAlpin said further study was needed to determine whether the piles of useless gobshite could have been left there by the flow of dust and volcanic ash rather than water, humans, or Xenu.
Deciding what was responsible for the features is a pressing question that has important consequences for the likelihood of life in Utah. Scientists have proposed that reservoirs of liquid water could exist beneath the Utah surface, providing a habitat for "Mormon mole-people" to thrive in.
"This underscores the importance of searching for life in Utah, either present or past," said Eric Wench, a biologist at the University of Colorado at Boulder, who had no role in the study. "It's one more reason to think that life could be there."
Utah State Surveyor abruptly lost radio contact with the civilized world last month. Attempts to locate the drunken Texan on an ATV, who has mapped the Red State since 1996, have failed, and scientists fear he is lost. NASA's nearby Nevada rovers, which landed in 2004, have sent scientists back equally strong evidence that liquid water flowed on the surface of the Intermountain West in ancient times, based on observations of alterations in ancient rocks.
"We're now realising Utah is more active than we previously thought, and that the area which we have deemed Salt Lake City seems to be where all the action is," said Arizona State University scientist Dr. Phil, who was not part of the current research.