UnNews:Warrior defeats ancient dragon, falls to flea
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Warrior defeats ancient dragon, falls to flea
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 22, 2017, 12:25:UTC)(
19 April 2009
CAVE OF HOPELESSNESS, Japan - The international nightmare is over. But there will be few celebrations.
The Black Dragon, which has terrorised people across the globe for many centuries, has been slain. The dragon, which has resided in the Cave of Hopelessness (Japanese: 幸せな楽しみの時間の洞窟, Happy Fun Times Cave), was found dead late last night by a team of scientists, who were exploring the region trying to trace the source of a recent earthquake. This has later been theorised to have been the dragon's corpse as it fell, although others believe it was the Earth beginning to crack in preparation for a possible 2012 demise.
However, this report is not all fairytale-like in its content. The body of Daisuke Ming Honda was also found in the cave. He was grasping a sword, which had the dragon's brown blood on it, complete with its difficulty in removal, which shows that he was indeed the chosen one that removed the great stain from the human landscape. People around the world were questioning what could have killed such a mighty warrior. When post-mortem results came in, however, the cause of death was, frankly, less than impressive.
Ming Honda died from excessive parasitic blood loss from a flea.
- "We are very happy that the dragon has been removed from our list of things to worry about." said a high-ranking official from Japan (while pointing at a local library). "We can now turn our attention to other pressing matters such as the economy, liaising with that new president of the Western world, and exterminating that ragtag group of vigilantes trying to free the world from the terrorists. Wait, the guy died from flea poisoning? This incident never happened, we won't have wusses like him have any spotlight. It was all us! All the Government's doing!"
The battle between the dragon and Ming Honda is believed to have been a low key affair, as the blood content in the room was much lower than it would be if there was a big fight. This fact will no doubt bore the legions of bored teens watching the news, hoping for an "epic showdown"; however those closer to Ming Honda believe that was the only way the task could have been completed.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
- "I mean, he was such a wimp that a flea beat him in a fight." said Asuka Honda, wife of the deceased. "What chance would he have had against a mighty dragon? So we told him to just sneak 'round the back and hope dragons don't have eyes in the backs of their heads. Luckily, it appears they didn't. Or maybe they had already been pierced by these killer fleas."
Many tributes have been laid down for Ming Honda from across the country, from a statue in his hometown of Osaka, to several minutes' silence across the globe, to the "DMH Temple" in Macedonia, a church trying to claim that Ming Honda is the new Messiah. Various fleas from zoos across Japan have been arrested in connection with Ming Honda's murder, but none have yet been charged due to a lack of incriminatory evidence.