UnNews:War on terror hoax; a hoax
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War on terror hoax; a hoax
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, June 25, 2016, 21:37:UTC)(
6 March 2007
Reports from last week, leaked from the White House that the 'Global War on Terror(tm)' was in fact an elaborate hoax perpetrated by President and all 'round prankster, George Bush, were in fact a hoax in and of itself.
A press minion made a short statement saying, "The President is very sorry for any confusion stemming from this misunderstanding. He would like to stress that people should not feel, relieved at hearing that years of panic mongering was all some sort elaborate joke. The President would like to also point out that it is important that people continue to feel afraid and insecure, for the benefit of the nation."
In taking questions, the shaved chimp addressed concerns put forward by the press club.
Was the President preparing to make an address to the nation concerning the misunderstanding?
"No, the President is currently entangled with another pressing problem. He is in fact entangled in a sleeping bag... People should probably be afraid about that too."
Making sure that the White House's message for out and out panic was clear, Condoleeza Rice, announced that new measures were being put in place to ensure that fear of the unknown remained at an all time high.
"We've come a long way since the enlightenment," she mewed, "however we're trying to bring back a dark-ages sort of fear. We'd really be happier if there were more people being tied to stakes and burnt at crosses."
Later, Ms Rice, amended her statement in an attempt to prevent the alienation of the many minority groups within the US, that were exempt from her previous comments.
"In reference to my previous statements, I would like to clarify that people can be burnt on other a great many structures. I understand that my previous comments may have been construed as racially insensitive. I'd Like to point out at this point that I am in fact black."
She added later, "there's probably something in what I've just said that people should find terrifying. I'll leave it to the good judgment of the nation to decide just what that something is."
Making his first appearance as a White House press agent was Bella Lugosi, "Be afraid, be very afraid." He then laughed in a maniacal sort of way and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
The bogey man was un-available for comment, though his press-secretary did say that he was very happy with the present political climate, saying "It is good news for creatures of the night throughout the coalition of the gullible... sorry, willing."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|