UnNews:War babies 75th anniversary edition marks milestone in erotic cinema
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
22 November 2006
Santa Nambla, California
Movie scholars cite War Babies as being the breakout role for Shirley Temple, who played Charmaine, a saucy four year old cabaret dancer. No other movie has severed as such a perfect icon of those wistfully remembered years of the 30's known as the Golden Age of Pedophilia.
If you don't know (or act like you don't know) the story takes place in in a milk bar called "Buttermilk Pete's Cafe". Unlike modern milk bars, which are filled with teenage ultraviolence gangs, this is the milk bar of yesteryear, a merry, innocent place inhabited by doe eyed boys between the age of 3 and 6 wearing diapers and army helmets.
The luscious Eugene Butler (age 5) plays Sgt. Quirt, a tough talking sailor on shore leave who shacks up with the leggy Ms. Temple after buying her affections with a couple of lollipops. With candy in hand the girl takes her new found beau to her dressing room, this is truly a refreshing plot twist compared to so many similar situations that end up with the girl following the guy into the back of my 1986 Chevy van.
Alas such love cannot last when cocky rival Captain Flagg (played by the taut buttocked George Billings, age 4) struts in with a pair of six year old prostitutes and schemes to win Charmaine's heart with a lollipop of his own. In the end the heroic Quirt wins his girl back by pulling the largest lollipop she's ever seen out of his pocket. Flagg shows Quirt the rose that proves he won Shirley's heart but Quirt one-ups him when he pulls out her diaper pin and winks slyly. Is it any wonder that The National Catholic Register voted this the most romantic movie ever in a nationwide poll of priests and clergy?
Also pay attention to three year old Tyson Baily in a brilliant comedic role as the town drunk who tries to get a bottle of buttermilk off a high shelf but cannot reach it. The bottle tips over. As the thick white fluid drips slowly Tyson gets on his hands and knees to catch every drop on his eager lips. All of a sudden the bottlecap comes loose, soaking the boy's head with it's creamy contents. I rewond this scene dozens of times and laughed long and hard until my penis was bruised.
Um... Happily, Charmaine takes pity on the little drunk and ties a black rubber glove to a barrel of milk so he can suckle at it like a newborn lamb. Awww...
Even though the original short os only ten minutes long there are tons of bonus features including interviews with Michael Jackson, Tommy Vercetti, R. Kelly, Mark Foley, Herbert from Family Guy and your uncle on how much this film has influenced their lives. There's also 4 hours of outakes where that kid gets the milk poured on his head.
- The Count of Monkey Crisco "No, I'm not fucking kidding. This movie actually exists and every scene I described is in it. I think people in the 1930's were really fucked up, like if your grandma goes on about how perverted and nastty people are today and how moral everything was in the good old days just show her this and shut her dumb ass up.". IMDB.com, Nov 20, 2006
- Robert Savini "Holy shit what the fuck was wrong with these people. I'm serious. Just take a fucking look if you think I'm lying.". Youtube.com, Uh... ??, 19-diggity-3