UnNews:War against UnNews cancelled after November 19 news stories are added
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War against UnNews cancelled after November 19 news stories are added
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 30, 2017, 03:03:UTC)(
20 November 2006
EARTH, the Universe -- It was reported today that nothing newsworthy happened Sunday, November 19, and that President Bush, Tony Blair, Queen Elizabeth II, Boris Yeltsin, William Shatner, This Guy, That Guy, Eddie Van Halen, Phil Collins, Britney Spears, and Jesus Christ had declared war on UnNews, which was to take effect Tuesday. However, those elaborate plans have been dropped after the discovery of six November 19 news stories, including a drop-dead hilarious one about the filming of the movie, Snakes in a Car, and another one about people lining up to take a Wii.
"These UnNews guys are comic and satiric geniuses," said President Bush today at a press conference held at 4:05 Sunday afternoon. "I just got sick of seeing a blank section where the November 19 news stories should be. I just wanted a good laugh yesterday when I went online. I wanted to see what kind of Tom Cruise stories those dudes could come up with. I feel like such an idiot!"
When a heckler in the audience told Bush that he already is an idiot, Bush replied, "I know you are, but what am I?" proving that the President is, in fact, familiar with the work of Pee-wee Herman.
The world reacted with outrage and chaos Saturday and Sunday at the severe lack of November 19 news stories, leading to riots, bonfires, crying babies, celebrity marriages, SpongeBob marathons on Nickelodeon, a Kevin Federline concert, a Star Trek marathon on TV Land, radio airplay for the song, "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida," radio airplay for the song, "Popozao," the cancellation of the Nick Rewind Collection, and another rampage by actor Richard Moll, a.k.a. Bull Shannon from TV's Night Court.
William Shatner is planning on recording a charity single with other equally-talented musicians.
“Don't wanna be an American Idiot. I feel like I'm getting dumb and dumber every day. My deepest, sincere apologies to the great comedy team of UnNews for livening up the news a little bit. I look forward to what you have in store next.”
Reportedly, everything is back to normal as if nothing unusual happened. Everybody has gone back to their regular, non-chaotic lives. and Richard Moll deeply apologizes for his more recent rampage, stating, "I was confused; we all were. But it's all over now. UnNews did have stories for November 19, so there is no need to protest, unless of course you hate UnNews, which only one percent of the Universe does."
- I.P. Freely "Something happens on November 19, war undeclared on UnNews". MSNBC, November 19, 2006