UnNews:Walk like a Cyclist
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Walk like a Cyclist
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, June 27, 2016, 07:52:UTC)(
11 May 2014
Friday, May 13th 2014 is official Walk like a Cyclist Day.
Just for this one day, we're out to show the public that pedestrians are just as green and eco-friendly as cyclists.
People walking around town on footpaths, using their built-in means of locomotion, have in the past had some negative comments made about them, such as that they are not green because they are mostly car owners going between car and office, or that they just don't seem to keep a proper lookout behind them for cyclists, and therefore get themselves injured through their own silly fault.
So, we are planning to change that image. On this special day, walkers will do their best to show that they are just as environmentally sustainable as our pedal-powered friends. We shall do this by emulating the best and most public-spirited actions of cyclists, but on foot.
How to walk like a cyclist:
- Never use the footway if there is a cycle lane alongside.
- If a police officer asks why you are in the cycle lane, point out that it is simply way too dangerous to use the footway. That is after all where rapists, muggers and Big Issue sellers hang out. Therefore, you are justified in taking refuge in the cycle lane for the sake of your own safety.
- Walk on the wrong side of the road whenever possible. This makes it easier to see approaching cyclists than if they are approaching from behind.
- For the same reason, plan your route so you always go the wrong way up one-way streets. Remember, you are not really a cyclist so you do not have to obey one-way signs.
- If a cyclist does get in your way, try to dodge around the bike whilst remaining in the cycle lane. If that fails, jump over the kerb onto the footway to get past, and swear at the cyclist as you go by.
- This brings us on to an important point, that the ability to jump obstacles without stopping is a vital skill. Start with clearing kerbs, then gradually work your way up in height to vaulting over bicycle racks without slowing your pace. Advanced skills may even include running up the walls and across the roofs of buildings which some architect has stupidly put right in your path.
- Red means go.
- If cyclists are trying to cross your lane on a shared use crossing, remember you do not have to stop for them. Just aim for any gap that is slightly wider than you.
- If a truck stops ahead of you, waiting to turn, remember you do not have to stay behind, you are narrow enough to squeeze between the truck and the railing or wall. This is quite safe since trucks are made of soft foam rubber and will not hurt you.
- Be unpredictable. Weave around as much as possible. Never walk in a straight line, as that allows people to anticipate your actions.
- Wear dark clothing, and at night be especially careful not to show any light which might give your presence away. A hooded jacket is a useful accessory to prevent your being noticed.
- Absolutely refuse to wear any kind of safety gear. After all you look like a wimp with a silly hat on. Plus, as a Green in tune wih Gaia, you are invulnerable and immortal. -Well, at least there is still reincarnation through Gaia if that proves not to be the case.
- Always have your mobile phone held to your ear whilst walking. Even if you are not actually making a call.
- Be extremely critical of the behaviour of motorists, and let them know in no uncertain terms what you think of them. Remember, a motorist who collides with you is always in the wrong, and must pay up. (Leave clear instructions for your next of kin, since you may not be around to make the claim in person)
- Wear a Google Glass so you can document all those terribly illegal things the evil, polluting motorists do, and put them on YouTube. Do please be careful not to include any cyclists in the frame, though. Remember that like you, they are not required to obey laws and therefore should not be photographed in the act of... Oh My God, did he actually survive that!
- A few drinks before setting out will help to improve your courage and style. Do not worry, along with cyclists, you cannot be breathalysed. As you don't have a licence in the first place, you have nothing to lose.
- And, if a cyclist gets annoyed at your being on their patch, calmly remind them that in spite of your lack of wheels, you are nevertheless a vehicle just as they are, and thus have a right to be there. It may help to emphasise this point with the aid of an upturned center finger.
- Last but not least, get politically active and campaign assertively for your rights of shared use as a form of green, sustainable transport. Ask your local politician to raise a motion for all cycle lanes to be divided in two, one half for cyclists and the other half for walkers.