|This article is part of UnNews||Your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.|
27 January 2011
CARMARTHENSHIRE, Wales -- Road users throughout parts of Carmarthenshire have been warned about the danger from amorous toads with the local council erecting warning signs in places were they have been known to congregate. The Welsh are warned against playing Tom Jones songs on car stereos in the area, whilst regular dogging haunts within nearby country parks have been put on high alert.
Sexual assault on humans by toads is regrettably common in Wales, according to police officers there. What makes this such a big problem for the police is that very few, if any, of the cases get reported. Statistics indicate that last Spring around 100 Welsh women were raped by amphibians, and almost twice as many men. Throughout the period, only one case of toad-attack was brought to the police's attention, although they later concluded that this was just a crank call. DCI Bolton, head of anti-toad measures in Carmarthenshire, said he understood the victim's reluctance to come forward. "To have your intimate regions savagely penetrated by a pond-dwelling animal is one of the worst crimes anyone can endure," he said. "I know that I wouldn't want to admit it... not that it happened to me." The Chief then broke down in tears and told our reporters to leave, but not before adding: "The slimy green bastards".
The situation has led to vigilante action. Our reporters also spoke to local resident Matthew Hopkins, or the Toadfinder General as he's known by the locals. He believes the law is ineffective in such matters. "The police are useless because toads don't understand justice," he claims. "They are heathens whose judgement is reserved for a higher power, and that higher power is me." Hopkins spent the next few minutes laughing maniacally and twisting his moustache, then he eventually urged citizens to travel in groups and not to enter moist grassy areas after nightfall. This may prove to be difficult considering that Wales is essentially one huge moist grassy area. "Toads can be tricky," he went on to say. "It only takes 10 or 12 of them to take down an average-sized man".
The police may be making more of a difference than the General thinks however, as one official prosecution has already been made. This morning officers escorted a male Natterjack to the Crown Courts following charges of rape. The victim, Sandy Bonham, was also in court, where she clearly demonstrated where the assailant touched her, using a Miss Piggy doll as a visual aid. Trace amounts of frogspawn were also found in her stomach and vagina. The toad, who will not be named as he doesn't have a name, pleaded innocence, but the judge interpretted Ms. Bonham's unsightly warts as incontrovertible evidence of his guilt. He sentenced the animal to 10 years incarceration in the Blue Planet Aquarium.
These stringest measures have not been without criticism however, particularly amongst the toad community itself. One sensitive Spadefoot Toad made the following statement to our reporter: "We toads aren't all rapists. Most of us are happy enough to be courting. I, for instance, took a girl to the cinema last night. They were showing some horror classics and we managed to catch The Fly with Jeff Goldblum, we had a great time." He defended his species, explaining that they can't help being amorous, especially at this time of year, and said genetics are to blame. "It's like the old toad saying," he said. "It only takes a few bad buds to spoil the algae."