UnNews:Wal-Mart plans to sell Jesus relics
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
1 August 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
LOS ANGELES, California -- The nation's largest retailer, Wal-Mart, today announced plans to carry a line of religious relics and figurines in 425 of its 3,376 stores later this month.
The relic product line includes nails from the cross, thorns from Jesus’ hat, soil from the Garden of Gethsemane, and pieces of the Messiah’s size 42 sandals. Figurines will feature well-known Bible characters including Jesus, Daniel, Noah, Goliath, Judas Iscariot, Brian, a Roman soldier and the Virgin Mary.
A representative for the Catholic Church, who gave his name only as “Pope”, commented on the announcement, “you walk down the toy aisles of Wal-Mart today and see a lot of reproductions of Satan, or dolls that promote promiscuity. These new toys will teach children the truth and make them forget all about their normal preoccupations of devil worship and gratuitous sex."
The toys are based on stories from the Bible. The Daniel figure comes with a lion and den. When a button on the toy is pressed the lion bites off Daniel’s head and spits it out, whilst blood gushes from the severed neck of the Christian.
Wal-Mart's move is part of a growing trend as businesses try to tap into the multi-billion-dollar market in religious and family-themed products popular with the segment of America that turned Terry Gilliam's The Passion of Brian into a £185 million goldmine.