UnNews:Wal-Mart, Dairy Queen Assault Girl Scouts
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Wal-Mart, Dairy Queen Assault Girl Scouts
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 13:20:UTC)(
7 August 2009
edit Major Companies Steal From Girls
Who would want to challenge innocent girl scouts to anything. All they ask for is that once a year we devour their nicotine laced cookies and then provide them with large quantities of money so they can buy over-sized badges. It's every kids dream to be in the Girl Scouts, believe me I was an Eagle Scout, and I dropped out in a second when they said I could be troop leader. So my question is who would attack the Girl Scouts?
Well here's who, Wal-Mart and Dairy Queen are teaming up to bring an end to the Girl Scouts as we know them. Wal-Mart has publicized the fact that it will now be ripping off Girl Scout cookies that one of their undercover Japanese agents purchased.
Wal-Mart executive Mary Lyons said this of the policy, "We sat down with our corporate executives and thought, what orginization would be the easiest to obviously rip-off and not get caught, aside from cheap pornos we found five year old's cookies to be the best option." But that's not all, Dairy Queen is also using Girl Scout cookies in their ice cream now. This stunning brand new idea to put cookies in ice cream really has that DQ mouth in the commercial's going.
When asked how they obtained the cookies the DQ mouth said, "I mercilessly raped several Girl Scout troops and then ran off with their cookies in this economic recession we found it crucial to steal a product from someone else who wass having success."
With Dairy Queens' monopoly on the ice cream business, and Wal-Mart's monopoly on everything else (including Boardwalk), the Girl Scouts could disband by the end of the year, we spoke to troop leader Tara about this awful happening, "Yeah, nobody wants to buy our cookies anymore because Wal-Mart hired twenty year old strippers to sell theirs. It's awful we've already had to take away badges from the fatter and therefore imperfect Girl Scouts."
Not everyone is upset though, Conservative talkshow host, Rush Limbaugh said of Wal-Mart's decision to con the children, "Brilliant, now maybe those second-grade whores will stop knocking on my door, and forcing me to warn them that keeping a closed mind to linear sales prices and supply and demand will never keep them afloat in this capitalist economy." Rush was also in support of Wal-Mart's new "Buy a stolen product get a gun free" promotion. "Nothing's better than conning a couple grade school suckers and then haphazardly firing bullets at dangerous trajectories." Mr. Limbaugh said. In the end, nobody wins here, except for Wal-Mart and Dairy Queen who will profit endlessly from their blatant thievery.