UnNews:Wacky Wavers brutally murdered
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|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
17 February 2009
NEW YORK, New York -- Today is a dark day indeed. At 10pm last night a couple of Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men were found dead in a back alley near 5th street on Manhattan. The multiple gunshot wounds to their heads and bodies that let out their air too fast were quickly discovered. Although multiple attempts were made to patch them up and save them, they were finally declared out of order at 10:52pm. This horrendeous act of violence against these peaceful friends of humanity was condemned by several institutions earlier this morning. A minute of silence has already been confirmed by the White House officials and will take place at 2pm today. Reports of people staying at home are already showing up. Families and friends gather to commemorate and discuss how Mr Red and his well shaped wife influenced and helped us so much in everyday life.
Anger and disappointment has thrown many of us into grief. "The air just wouldn't stop seeping out. I.. I tried but there were so many holes." one of the witnesses confessed to the press. Another explained how he tried to get the engine to work harder and cover for the air loss, "I did my best but it wasn't enough; they slowly fell inevitably attracted by gravity." A description of the 2 suspects and this mysterious "gravity" has already been released to patrolling officers. Chances of finding and arresting any of the suspects shrinks by the hour and people are now turning to their government for an explanation.
Why did this happen? Was it someone deranged who couldn't stand the waving arms? Was it their latex colour? And how could this happen? Shouldn't the airflow have been enough to cover those wounds? Why was the response team with emergency duct tape so slow to arrive?
Wacky Waving Inflatable Flailing Tube Man specialist Reeleek Razy explained his opinion on what probably happened.
|One quite accepted theory among scientists studying this particular field, states a contrast between colors, movements and emotions; against an ever changing mental pattern occurring in destabilized ADHD patients. In short, some homeless guy mistook the victims for an alien or something; got mad; and shot them.|
While this shocking comment might bring some closure to the friends and relatives of these plastic innocents, the number of unanswered questions remains significant. We can and must remember this day to make sure this is never repeated. To help us in our mourning and quest for justice, a memorial will be built on the corner between 5th and 32nd. Let us hope that we can all move on from this tragic day and that our beloved friends now rest in piece.
And now, the weather. Great weather today John, shining sun, singing birds and loving couples can all be found in the park...