UnNews:WW3 averted as superpowers parlay missile strike into "meteor" hoax
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WW3 averted as superpowers parlay missile strike into "meteor" hoax
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, February 24, 2017, 12:57:UTC)(
18 February 2013
MOSCOW, Russia -- A rogue U.S. nuclear device detonated over Russia on Friday, scaring the daylights out of local authorities - although not enough that Russia returned fire at America. The explosion was caused by an atomic air-burst detonated a little too close for comfort. More than 100,000 people in the city of Chelyabinsk were vaporized, thousands of buildings were atomized, and dozens of wild animals were funkified, during Friday’s blast.
In spite of the ultimate provocation against mother Russia, President/Prime Minister/Czar Vladimir Putin played the hotline rather than the hothead, contacting Washington to find out that it was a bloody horrible mistake. Even though Mr. Washington was unavailable and some black dude answered the phone, the Russian pacifist allowed diplomacy to do whatever it is that it does. As with the
Turkish Cuban Missile Crisis, the two super-powers agreed that the blunder be covered up and made out as a random meteorite strike with a shower of fragments all over the countryside - a story the global corporate media repeated as they were told.
The big bang occurred when a drunken Polaris sub captain lost a bet and consequently had to fire a nuclear tipped rocket at Russia, which detonated with a blinding flash and deafening roar. The other party to the transaction, greased war pig John McCain (R-Libya), had bet the captain $1,000,000 he wouldn’t fire at Russia, with a parley of an additional billion that it wouldn't lead to World War III.
The man-on-the-street in Moscow opined, “Что за хрень?” Outgoing U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton - always adept at her Russian translations - explained, "What does it matter???" She said Mr. Putin was the personification of reserve in the face of America’s accidental aggression, and announced that the State Department would prepare a new batch of public-service advertisements. The ads will start their run abroad next week and express State's regret that America's lack of a national lottery impelled Mr. McCain to make his messy wager.