UnNews:WHO preemptively strikes North Pole
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WHO preemptively strikes North Pole
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 26, 2016, 02:58:UTC)(
25 July 2006
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Acting Director-General of World Health Organization, Dr. Anders Nordström, had a press conference today explaining the recent missile strikes on the North Pole “It’s gone on too long! In a world where the battle for health is losing ground everyday it is time to change who has the upper hand and Old Fatty McBlubberButt and his magical flying crap wagon is exactly what we don’t need!” The Acting Director-General continued in his tirade on Santa Claus for thirty minutes pointing out the direct link between America’s obesity problem and Santa Claus’ total disregard of the health guidelines set forth by the WHO. “All kids do these days is get tweaked out on candy bars and beat up their parents with the wiffle bat Santa Claus gave them for Christmas while they aren’t sitting on their flabby bottoms” concluded Dr. Anders Nordström.
Arctic Rebels claim their leader was not killed in the blast. Apparently Saint Nick’s large, flabby blubber-like layer of fat tissue provided him with enough insulation to withstand the pressure of his collapsing ice cave. Nonetheless the naughty or nice book has sustained heavy damage and is now unlegible. Elfin spokesman Doodly Hoopskins confessed that “due to the damage the whole Christmas-present receiving demographic will have to start from scratch again. That is, zero nice points and zero naughty points for everybody. So if you haven’t already, you might as well forget about those hookers you locked up in your closet, George." Other elves, lead by Krampus, seem to have lost their Christmas spirit and have called for a massive, unified retaliation against the WHO and its allies. Explosive presents and stockings are appearing near chimneys all around the world and are believed to have already killed over 2000 individuals. Homeland Security warned families are not to enter their own homes and be armed with a hand gun at all times. Rob Audrey of the public service division heeds the following warning “This is America, and in America we stand for freedom. Freedom from evil and badness and hate and demons. Ahhh, the taste of freedom. Do you like the taste of freedom? ‘cause I do. Some say it tastes like chicken, I think it tastes more like Jesus. And just because most Americans can’t point to the North Pole on a map doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be afraid. These elf things are evil and hate America. So make sure whenever you leave or enter you home to check for signs of Elf-ness in everybody, even your loved ones—they could be a threat to liberty, God and America. Amen.”
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