UnNews:Voodoo helping Haiti's quake dead

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Voodoo helping Haiti's quake dead

Democracy Dies with Dignity

UnNews Logo Potato
Sunday, March 18, 2018, 09:33:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

22 February 2010


Full Moon over Haiti enables zombies to find more dead to convert in aftermath of the quake

MIAMI, Florida -- Cuban Co-President, Hugo Chavez has argued successfully that Voodoo should play a leading role in Haiti’s quake relief by returning the dead back to life.

A month before Haiti's devastating earthquake, prominent Voodoo musician, Zola Plume and a few friends were summoned by zombies who warned them about the impending disaster. "They told us to stay aloft in hot-air-balloons over Haiti because many people would die!"

The spirits may have failed to make them-selves clear, but according to Zola - whose music and zombie outlook are steeped in voodoo culture - we stand by the Haitian people in their hour of need. "We are extremely traumatized," she says. "We have seen death. But the spirits entered the minds of people to advise and help them return from the dead. They speak to us in Voodoo. It's like therapy."

But Chavez’s idea that voodoo should play a leading role in helping victims of the country's worst-ever natural disaster is currently much more than a hope. “We voodoo priests are bringing back the dead by turning them into zombies,” Zola confirmed.

Haiti's traditional religion has kept a high profile in the aftermath of the earthquake. The songs and chants heard amid the rubble and tent cities around Port-au-Prince are overwhelmingly Voodoo.

Most Haitians practice the voodoo religion, although the exact number (of Haitians) is unknown – because they have never had a census count in history.

Moobu, another zombie who also describes himself as a spiritual healer, has used his haunt in Port-au-Prince as a voodoo repair and care center. "We work with dead children and parents," he says. "We work with dead people whose relatives have survived." Moobu continued,

"Being the national religion of the Haitian people, it's only normal in the earthquake phenomena," says Murray Jones, a Florida anthropologist who has carried out extensive fieldwork in Haiti.

Some argue that voodoo's popularity in the aftermath of the quake is due to their ability to bring the dead back to life. Many Christians - especially Protestants - regard voodoo as Devil worship. This idea was expressed in its most striking form by the US televangelist Pat Robertson, who said shortly after the quake that Haiti had made a "pact with the Voodoo" when it defeated French colonists two centuries ago.

According to Zola, such attitudes have been in evidence during relief operations. "Some Christian communities do not want to give food to voodoo followers and zombies," she says. Voodoo leaders countered by pointing out that Voodoo did not exist until the Christians arrived, enslaved the continent and attempted to force their religion onto the native population.

Many dead Haitians will find life in voodoo, which remains an important element of Haitian identity. But the life-giving strategies it offers in the aftermath of the earthquake may be limited, because the 12 January quake left more than a million dead to be brought back to life as zombies. A huge task by any measure.

Despite opposition from many to the new found resurgence in the popularity of Voodoo in Haiti, United Nations secretary general Ban Ki-moon stated that he sees a bright future for the religion as he has recently found a way to tax it.

edit Sources

UnNews Logo Potato
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.
Personal tools