UnNews:Volunteers, dogs, both hands, flashlight - Windows reports it still can't find the file you downloaded yesterday

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Volunteers, dogs, both hands, flashlight - Windows reports it still can't find the file you downloaded yesterday

Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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11 July 2009

The Office of the Windows Help Desk issued new findings on why you can't find the fucking porno you downloaded off the Internet yesterday.

1. Don't panic. Nearly all of your hard drive is not indexed. You need to remember that all of your normal user files are in what's called a "virtual folder", which means you can't open it, which is "hidden", which means search won't find it. Your hard drive is constantly chewing away indexing all your files, except the indexed ones. But you can change a preference in your computer to set it to search through all your hidden and non-indexed files, and then while it won't remember where anything is, it might find it eventually. Of course you know this because you checked that yesterday and just now it looks like it hasn't found it. Then again, I suppose it's not sure it really finished, but I thought I heard the hard drive stop for a second.

2. Remember that your file might be in some easy to find location, like C:/Windows/Users/Bozo/User Data/17a3-2048-(Your social security code)-3426/apps/etc/you can't be serious/tmp/7/application data/usr/downloads/unstuffed items/ - it shouldn't be hard to guess.

3. Don't forget the Recently Accessed Items. Your copy of Windows Vista comes complete with a list of Recently Accessed Items, where every item you've ever used in one of a few ways is presented conveniently in alphabetical order, for about the first eight. Of course, your item might not be on the list anyway. But there is actually a way to read the list, you just have to right click on one of the items and open the enclosed folder... no wait, that doesn't work, well here's one, search for the item on your own. Since the item itself won't come up appear, what does appear is the shortcut to this list (you'll just have to click on it to see, the system only tells you it's at Windows/Users/Bozo... which is hardly useful). Usually the system does that just to laugh at you but now you have a link to the Recent Items list, isn't that fucking amazing? And now you can look and make sure it isn't there.

4. No, wait! There is a way to find the thing. You read that the White House got cyber-attacked by North Korea yesterday, right? So assuming that your computer was one of the billions infected by the botnets they used (what Windows system isn't), just write them up and say that your computer might have mailed them a porno system yesterday to waste their computer bandwidth and you'd like it back. No, wait, that probably won't work either, you know how Obama doesn't have any fucking respect for private property, and anyway he probably snagged that file for himself.

5. Still, we're on to something there. Because goddamn it you know the FBI has GOT to have a copy of every single file on your computer, especially the porno stuff in case it was kiddie porn or something. So just file a request for a copy of your FBI file, and for a modest fee of 5 cents a page (Under $5,000 for most law abiding citizens) you can have a simple flat text file listing of every single file on your computer! Not in some proprietary Windows format, but something you can read through and search for yourself! Isn't that fucking brilliant? I'm on fire today, let me tell you.

6. If you don't have the money to sue the FBI right away, consider waiting for Windows to develop a file search that actually works. Of course, they haven't managed to do that from the first MS-DOS system to the present day, but given another 300,000 years and upward of a googol of dinero and they might come up with something.

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