UnNews:Volcanic mess in Europe is all Obama's fault
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
16 April 2010
OSLO, Norway -- Norwegian media report that all the volcanic activity and all the mess in air travelling has been caused by the US president Barack Obama. Norway accused Barack Obama of intentionally causing the volcano eruption.
But why would Barack Obama be interested in delaying all the airplanes in half of Europe? The answer is really simple. Several days ago Lech Kaczyński died in a crash plane near Smolensk in Russia. The whole world has been stunned by this information and many governments introduced national days of mourning. US government did not but Barack Obama promised that he would fly to Poland to pray at the Kaczyński funeral that's going to take place during this weekend.
In the face of this tragedy, all of us are Poles. Only not all of us have got free visas. said Obama in an interview with a Polish journalist. At the end of the interview, he made a gaffe when he said Ich bin ein Polnischer!, which was meant to be a phrase which is going to be written in the annals of the history. He left off the interview at this.
But Norwegian media speculate that Obama promised that only due to the fact that refusing to come for the funeral would have been very bad public relations. Obama agreed, and from that time he had been constantly looking for a good excuse to miss the unnecessary travel and the boring funeral. And it seems that he found one.
Two days ago, one of Obama's advisors told the US president that only a few things can allow him to miss the funeral without causing an incident that will lower his already artificially ruined popularity. These are a death in his own family, another 9/11 or a natural catastrophe in Europe that will make air travelling impossible or extremely dangerous. After thinking for a few hours, he reminded himself that decades ago US installed a dangerous device that can cause a volcanic eruption of Eyjafjallajökull, and it needs only pressing the red button in White House to activate. So that's what Obama did.
And everything started that time. Half of Iceland needed to be evacuated, and the big ash cloud calmly and slowly travelled to the Europe causing enormous financial loses in all airlines in half of Europe. So now Obama has finally got his excuse. He can comfortably announce to the public that he is unable to travel to Poland due to the big ash cloud. He can simply say I wanted but I couldn't. (And, after that, Yes we can!)
And it's need to be pointed out that USA suddenly announced that they are going to cover whole Icelandic public debt and even give some extra cash. Unfortunately, reasons of this weird and, as the spokesman said "absolutely not connected to the recent volcanic erruption", decision has not been given to the public.
Some Republicans think that Obama is embarrassing America much more than usual, naturally leading to the death of American freedom and liberty, and they've suggested that Obama should travel through Pacific and Russia and land on some airport where the ash cloud is not present yet. It may be an obscure airport in Polish city of Rzeszów in Rzeszowszczyzna or, if the cloud will move east a bit faster, somewhere in Belarus or Russia. Some have said that Obama should land in Smolensk where he could pray in the place of death of Polish politician elite (Or die in a catastrophe himself)).
Regardless of the accusations, Obama has not admitted to clicking the red button and quickly claimed that "Briddish Petroleum must be held responnsible". When quizzed about why, Obama labelled the reporter a racist for asking what he called "impertinent questions". The Tea Party are hard at work looking for additional nasty things to say about him over this.
edit Old Europe
According to Obama, airplanes are Old because they are from Old Europe. Obama wants to pave Europe to make it shiny and clean like America. Government Motors has offered a free battery to anyone in Old Europe buying a new SUV. Al Gore won the Nobel Prize because he sent a policeman out to recover a stolen bicycle. Twice. Somebody wrote a poem about this and they won a prize. But Obama said he was old because he was still a virgin. Obama went out and bought an ethanol conversion kit for his Chrysler 300cc and was featured on Pimp My Ride and Oprah. For this he won the Prize. It is suspected that the volcano is God´s way of approving Obama´s ethanol conversion kit for all mankind.
But Al Gore knew about the volcano. So why didn´t Al Gore save the earth? If all of the stolen bicycles in the world were recovered they would be big enough to extinguish the volcano if a large Russian cargo plane was used to gather them up. But they didn´t and so now the volcanoes have spread to Indonesia, erupted Friday, spewing clouds of ash as high as 2 miles into the flight path, the country's National Disaster Management Agency said. Thousands of Indonesians are fleeing to Kenya.
Indonesians can not even swim and so they should do something to create a volcano-free zone where people can land their planes. If the volcanoes spread to the Maldives, the president could be arrested.
Obama is winning the Global War on Jobs because he built a new McDrive in Poland. These will create high paying jobs for American workers to put up a parking lot and demolish the traditional shop that used to be there. According to Obama, it was old.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|