UnNews:Virginia Tech notes that 22,261 students were not shot dead
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Virginia Tech notes that 22,261 students were not shot dead
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, September 5, 2015, 10:45:UTC)(
17 April 2007
Blacksburg, VA, USA In the wake of the recent school shooting at Virginia Tech's campus, school administrators have reassured the public that 22,261 students were not killed by gunfire at the school.
"We're trying to look at the bright side on this one." said Edward Krantz, part-time art teacher and public relations spokesman. "Sure it's pretty bad that a few students got shot and died, but look at the over twenty thousand who didn't, and you'll see things aren't really that bad as they make out in the press and the CNN and everything."
The police investigating the shooting, aided by the FBI, BATF, and the Department of the Interior because the shooter may have stepped on some grass during the rampage, noted they had a preliminary identification of the gunman, who is believed to have committed suicide, but was not releasing it yet, because "Just because we can. We know and you don't. Nyah nyah nyah nyah-nyah." said Blacksburg police chief Edward Fakename.
Commentary from other campus personnel was not forthcoming, as they were all watching the CNN show.
Update: The identity of the shooter has been released and it turns out to have been this guy.