|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
5 August 2009
New River Valley, Virginia -- Although the massacre at Virginia Tech, deemed the "Virginia Tech Massacre" by pessimists, occurred more than two years ago, students are still returning to the campus to perform tests on subjects in their chosen fields of study.
"I was often asking myself during this study if it was worth risking another school shooting," said student Jonathan Demasters. "Fuck yes, it was."
"I was under a cloud of blatent misery still mourning my fallen classmates," said fellow student Tanya Hesters. "But this study has lifted my sorrow. Be gone, sorrow, be gone! I'm sorry, they told me to say that... stupid bitches."
The study shows that texting while driving raises the risk of a crash by 23 times. This proves conclusively that texting while driving is bad, although there are many questions regarding the study.
"There are no questions regarding the study," said Dr. Lyle Nieson, in charge of the experiments. "The only question was about the safety of our subjects, and, to a lesser extent, our students; that the Virginia Tech Letting-of-our-guard-down should not happen again."
Administrators at VTU released a statement Monday regarding the study:
|See? See? We told you we would bounce back, bitches! This proves we're useful! We showed you morons that texting while driving is NOT "da bomb" as is commonly thought! Don't you see what you would get with a Virginia Tech education? For, like, twenty grand a year and the threat of death you can learn things you could've found out by watching the news!|
Local Virginians, not known to be a very intellectual people, celebrated the finding.
"Well hot DAWG, that sure showed that Chu Song Wee guy, er whatever 'is name was, a thing 'er two!" said Rachel O'McJohnson. "This calls for a hoe-down, and we ain't not invitin' that Wee family over again. Not no how!"
"This is certainly a time to celebrate," said VTU President Thomas Tinchon. "NOT TO CELEBRATE WILDLY mind you, but to celebrate. That, out of the shadows of the event-that-shall-not-be-named comes this study, is something worth celebrating. NOT BY SHOOTING STUDENTS, but perhaps by sitting alone and high in your dormroom playing Tetris."
Virginia Tech, a school obsessed with death, now has in its halls of homicide "School Shootings" and "Texting".
"First they had to ruin school shooting, NOW they ruin texting," said celebrated conservative talk show host, Rush Limbaugh. "These liberals and their 'SCIENCE' should go to the school of 'HARD KNOCKS' and learn a thing or two! They're not only trying to take our guns away with their experiment on school shootings, but now they're trying to take away text? WHY? What has text ever done to... oh."
"Uh, the school shooting was NOT an experiment," said Dr. Nieson. "In fact, it would be nice if the Virginia Tech Oopsie wasn't in the news again."
Apparently, the aftermath of the Virginia Tech Massacre prompted graduate students in... whatever field it was that told people to text while driving... to achieve their best, in honor of their fallen comrades... during the Virginia Tech Massacre.
- Matt Richtel "In Study, Texting Lifts Crash Risk by Large Margin". New York Times, July 29, 2009