UnNews:Virgin Boss in Execution Bid
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Virgin Boss in Execution Bid
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 23, 2015, 03:22 (UTC)
2 December 2008
Texas, US - Virgin CEO, Sir Richard Branson has been in negotiations with the US Department of Justice, with a proposal to open up the existing state controlled executions to competitive private tender. He claims that the current process is too bueraucratic and slow, and only the private sector can provide the high level of service, required in this fast moving, high turnover market.
"This is a brilliant way of getting the Virgin brand into the hearts and minds of both inmates on Death Row, and their victims, whilst giving us the opportunity to do our bit for justice in the community", beamed Sir Richard whilst posing on the executioners' favourite 'Old Smokey', at an undisclosed Texas Death Chamber.
He continued, "You can be sure that with the Virgin mark of quality, past problems such as power cuts, accidental death of the executioner, corpse-reanimation, and the creation of humaniod monsters, will be consigned to history. Plus the relatives of victims will get to enjoy a complementary can of Virgin Cola and a copy of Now That's What I Call Music 378, featuring top hits of the very best artists signed to Virgin Records, whilst they enjoy the show".
To make Death Row more customer focused, Branson claims the term 'executioner' conjures up negative connotations, and plans to rename the post to "Chair Operations Leader". As with other poor saps working for the Virgin group, they will be forced to dress in the customary red jackets, and become more customer focused, to improve the whole execution experience.
But Head Executioner, "Wild" Bill Parry (57) of Dog's Head Ranch, Pigfucker, Texas remains unconvinced. He quoted, "That Branson's a danged fool! A danged fool, you hear me! And a communist with all that danged filthy red colour. I ain't dressin in no communist jacket for no f***ing bearded clown! Now p*** off you assholes, and quit pointing that goddamned microphone at me, else I'll drop two in your filthy asses!!". He then walked across the car park to his 1983 Dodge B150 Wagon, and paused to reach for a sawn off from the passenger seat, at which point we withdrew and ran screaming in the other direction.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|