UnNews:Violence Against Women Act Expires, Ending GOP War on Women

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3 January 2013

WASHINGTON, DC -- Today's big shocker in the Capitol Building was a final nail in the coffin of the GOP's "War on Women". It's over folks, it's finally over!

Despite a late-stage intervention by former Vice-Presidential candidate and known misogynist and idiot Paul Ryan, House Republican leaders did not advance the Senate's 2012 reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act. With the failure of the House, the act expired, thus signaling a final end to the horrible bill and its required violence against women.

Mordock

Republican senatorial candidate Richard Mourdock, shown here in his Starfleet Naval uniform.

"The House leadership just would not bring it up, just like they wouldn't bring up the bill banning lead in breakfast cereal marketed to children," said Sen. Patty Murray (D-Wash.), a key opponent of the Senate version of the bill. "While they still have a ways to go, obviously, on the safety of children, as a woman, or a man - being that I have a very obtuse name - I am glad to finally see that they have ended their war on women."

The GOP's War on Women has a long and checkered past (though some might compare it more to chess), having started in 1800, before the GOP was even around. In recent years, the war has taken an ugly turn with people like Congressman Todd Akin making light of rape, senatorial candidate Richard Mourdock stating that rape is the will of his chosen deity. One of the worst blows in the war was the 2011 Nuclear Abortion Attack, which wiped out the entire state of Delaware through nuclear strikes over its easy access to and high number of per capita abortions.[1]

Not everybody thinks this marks the end of the War on Women, though: Vice President Joe Biden points out that the House-Senate talks only broke down over House Republicans' refusal to accept a key protection for Native American women that was included in the Senate bill. "So you see, it's not really that they're done committing violence against women, they just wanted to make sure they could commit the violence equally, independent of race or ethnicity."

At least one thing is sure to this journalist: The Violence Against Women Act is dead, just like everybody in Delaware. At least it'll make it harder to commit violence against women. You know, until Congress screws up and makes a new bill tomorrow. Or today.

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  1. Versus its high number of overall abortions, which could never happen as Delaware only had 37 residents at its largest.
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